The milonga jungle

 It's quiz time, folks!

Let's face it.  The tango world is full of characters: amusing, a few annoying and some delightful.  Sounds like life, right?

I know it may be painful, but just try thinking about those milonga situations that you would rather forget, with characters who have left you a little powerless or speechless at times.  Remember: Being forewarned is being forearmed.  You can even practise your response.  You CAN take control!

Here are a few real-life scenarios.  What would you do? (More than one response is possible)

1. The Space Invader
   Two people are deep in conversation.  Their body-language shows that they are focussing on each other.  Someone approaches clearly indicating he/she wants to dance with one of them.
   a.  Ignore the person until he/she goes away
   b.  Acknowledge the person, and continue the conversation
   c.  Interrupt the conversation immediately and get up to dance
   d.  Acknowledge the person, point out that you are involved in a conversation and decline the invitation
   
   
2. The Know-all
   While dancing, once dancer persists in telling his/her partner what they are doing wrong and correcting them.
   a.  Ignore him/her and continue dancing
   b.  Say that you can't dance and talk at the same time
   c.  Say "Thank you" and go right back to your seat making a mental note never to dance with that person again
   d.  Do your best to follow the generous advice
   
   
3. The Human Shield
   After a tanda, rather that clearing the dance-floordurin ghte cortina, some people stand around on the floor chatting.  They are blocking the line of sight of seated dancers who will want to look for a new partner for the next tanda.
   a.  You feel frustrated that you can't see the person you'd like to dance with
   b.  If the "Human Shields" are close to you, ask them to move away or sit down
   c.  The DJ should extend the length of the cortina until they get the message and clear the floor
   
   How would you respond to these milonga characters?
   Can you think of others?
   PP
   
   Thanks to Kris Tengo Teng for the image  https://www.facebook.com/groups/147208172635874/user/405922/

Mirada? Cabeceo? What’s the difference?

In essence they are two very simple signals in the milonga:

MIRADA (the look) = showing interest to dance

CABECEO (the nod) = indicating acceptance

Yet even experienced tango dancers may find this respectful form of invitation challenging.  

For example, I’ve often heard:
“I was nodding at you, so why didn’t you dance with me?”

“He/She stares at me continuously even though I show no interest.”

“He/She is always in deep conversation with friends.  Later he/she complains that we didn’t dance.”

Well, let’s take a look at the basics:

MIRADA
Having selected a person you would like to dance with, you indicate your interest by looking at their eyes.  The look usually needs to be sustained for a few seconds - no more, so they understand that you would be interested in dancing with them.  A glance is not usually enough.  But it’s not a long stare either.

(If they’re not interested at the time, they won’t hold your gaze.  And nobody else will know!)

CABECEO

If the person does hold your gaze, they may accept by nodding their head, or by smiling, or by making some other positive gesture. You can then show your agreement with a similar gesture.  While maintaining eye-contact, the man makes his way to the woman’s table, who remains seated until he arrives in front of her (thus avoiding misunderstandings in a busy milonga).  He then leads her on to the dance floor - yes, he goes first.

Yes, it’s that simple! 
If you’re interested you need to show it through your body language. 
And you need to accept that everyone has a right to choose. In other words, the acceptance must be mutual, otherwise it’s not consent.

Of course, there are lots of finer points. To give yourself the best chance of success, I recommend taking a good look at Tango Mentor’s excellent article.
https://tangomentor.com/cabeceo-beginners-guide/

Why do we say YES when we mean NO?

Have you been in the situation where you were invited to dance, but for some reason, preferred not to accept that invitation?  Even if this never happens to you, you may still want to keep reading.

Some dancers have described to me situations where they would’ve liked to refuse (or postpone) the invitation, but feared hurting the person’s feelings.  Some have confided feeling pressured to dance, but were unsure how to respond.  Some experienced dancers (often popular male dancers outnumbered by ladies) may be frequently approached directly for a dance - particularly in milongas where the cabeceo is not the norm.  Some of these people have said to me that they feel obliged to spread themselves around throughout the milonga.  Community-spirit is to be applauded - up to a point.  

It almost goes without saying that there are many reasons for not wanting to dance at times.  You may be involved in a conversation; may be feeling too hot after an energetic tanda; the music isn’t to your taste; you don’t feel comfortable with the inviter; just feel like listening to the music and watching the dancers; you had already arranged to dance with someone else; etc, etc.

Of course, “Yes” is always an option, but it may come at a price.  Are you finding yourself denied a chance to dance with many of the partners that you prefer?  When you dance, are you able to give your partner your all for that tanda, or are you just going through the motions?  Are you mostly satisfying the needs and desires of others, while ignoring your own?

Indeed, saying “No” carries the risk of offending the other person.  Perhaps you fear that the risk is just too great. So rather than working out a way of being true to yourself, you may take the path of least resistance and always say “Yes”.

What are some alternatives?  Apart, from a blunt “No”? 
Unfortunately, not everyone in your tango community uses the more subtle cabeceo.  And you don’t want to develop a reputation as unfriendly.

Have you tried …

-  engaging the person in a conversation, rather than getting up to dance?  It shows them that you’re still interested in them as a person.  If they don’t wish to chat, they can move on.
-  indicating non-verbally “maybe later” with a smile?
-  briefly mentioning the reason for not wanting to dance now, perhaps adding that you’ll look across at them later?

Maybe you have other successful strategies which you’d like to share.

On the other hand, if the person won’t accept your response, then you always have the blunt option of “No, thanks”!  After all, if someone asks a question, they cannot assume that the answer will always be the one they want to hear.  Why should the milonga be any different to other aspects of life?  

Tangomentor’s discussion makes further interesting reading on this subject

Turning down an invitation may appear difficult at first.  But when you’ve tried it once or twice, I’m sure you’d get the hang of it.  Better still, adopting the mirada + cabeceo in your community would render this problem redundant!
PP

Every little bit counts

After more than a week of dancing in traditional Buenos Aires milongas, I’m reminded of some of the social niceties which contribute to a harmonious dance floor as well as an enjoyable individual experience.  (Not a word about cabeceo here.  That topic has already had plenty of coverage.)

Each and every dancer makes a positive contribution to the milonga by:

* taking care of personal hygiene beforehand & avoiding strong scents

* changing into dance shoes in the bathrooms or away from the dance floor 

* when not dancing, ensuring that they aren’t blocking others’ line of sight. If standing to catch someone’s eye, then stand behind the tables

* entering the dance floor with care, with the man seeking and getting the nod of approval from the oncoming leader, and then entering before his partner, to protect her. Start to dance immediately, thus avoiding holdups 

* not eating/chewing while dancing

* chatting only in between songs on the dance floor. Need more time? Then sit down to have a conversation. Chatting while dancing spoils the tanda for dancers around you

* dancing small, keeping feet on the floor, especially in a busy milonga 

* dancing in the ronda, in your lane - neither tailgating nor holding up couples behind you 

* avoiding contact with other couples. Any collisions, even minor, warrant an apology or at least an acknowledgement 

* escorting ladies back to their table

* clearing the floor efficiently during the cortina.

I love how these small things - put together - add up to something greater than their sum.  Congratulations to dancers at La Milonguita in Adelaide who do this so well!

Pat

Cabeceo - the basics

We've written lots about the cabeceo: how to, pitfalls to avoid, special tips, funny situations, etc.  But if you want a handy summary on this elegant technique for invitation in tango, just take a look at The Beginner's Guide to Cabeceo by Tango Immigrant.

Why chatting and dancing tango don't mix

Well, for a start, having a conversation while dancing seems to miss the point of tango.  Unfortunately, it can be rather anti-social, too.


So, let's re-imagine and replay this scene:
You're at a milonga, and the DJ starts playing a tanda of romantic Di Sarli.  You're in luck when your favourite Di Sarli partner looks in your direction.

As you dance, you begin to feel that the 'tango angels' are watching over you.  You are completely in the moment.  The connection with your partner and the music is deep, and at the same time heavenly.  This is the blissful and elusive experience sought after by dancers.  And when it happens, it gives you goose-bumps.

But suddenly, you are brought back to Earth.  A neighbouring couple's continued conversation while dancing has broken your trance.  You can't help but overhear the discussion about a recent movie, which they could easily have conducted elsewhere.  Are they unaware of the wonderful opportunity which they are missing?

You also happen to notice that their navigation on the busy floor has been affected.  Preoccupied with sharing views of the movie, the man is unable to pay enough attention to leading his partner, and experiences some near-misses with surrounding couples.  In fact, you have to take evasive action to protect your partner.

What to do?  Do you say anything at all?  Do you put your index finger to your lips, discreetly suggesting that they be quiet?  Or do you do nothing, but shake your head and grumble to yourself about their lack of awareness?
PP

On another note, imagine that you find yourself dancing with someone who also wants to chat.  What do you do?  For a few options, take a look at Talk and tango? I just can't do it.

Thanks to Los Angeles Tango Academy for the pictures

Musical chairs in the milonga

Are you a milonga gypsy?  Or do you like to return to your own chair after dancing? 

So, what's the fuss about seating at milongas?

Consider this real-life scenario (only names have been changed):

Joanne and Phil normally arrive at milongas fairly early.  Among other things, they like to take their pick of seats before the milonga gets busy.

After a hectic week, they headed out to relax at a local milonga.  Having paid the entrada and found a nice spot to sit, Harry slung his coat over his chair with his phone safely tucked in the coat pocket out of harm's way.

Many people arrived, and as the milonga became busier, each new arrival tried to work out where there was a free place to sit.  To avoid any unpleasantness, before sitting down most new arrivals politely tried to confirm with those sitting at a table, whether a place was available.  Sometimes they would get it wrong, and the recent arrival would have to gather up their belongings and find another spot.  At times, this was accompanied by some awkwardness.

Meanwhile, Joanne and Phil had been enjoying the milonga.  Returning to his chair after a tanda, Phil found someone else sitting there, engrossed in an animated conversation.  Having nowhere else to sit, and being far too polite to say anything, Phil waited patiently.  Then he realised that the 'visitor' was not only sitting on his freshly dry-cleaned coat, but probably also on his phone!  Still he said nothing!!  Instead he continued to wait ... somewhat anxiously.  (Politeness can be taken a touch too far.)

Fortunately, the phone was undamaged, and Phil was able eventually to reclaim his seat.  No harm done.  

But, could you imagine some better alternatives to this scenario?  Allow me to suggest a few improvements:

Organisers provide sufficient seating for everyone
This ensures that each person has somewhere for their jacket, drink, mints, fan, etc.

Organisers keep an eye on seating
They make the effort to indicate comfortable options for each person when they arrive, rather than leaving dancers to their own devices after taking their money.  This also prevents congestion in any one area, thereby reducing obstructions on the dance-floor.

Dancers return to their seat at the end of tandas
If you have been 'visiting' another table for a chat, you return to your seat (or go elsewhere, such as the bar) at the end of the tanda.  This ensures that the 'owner' of that spot has somewhere to sit when they have finished dancing. 
Returning to your seat also facilitates the cabeceo, because potential dance partners will know where to look for you.  In fact, sitting down during the cortina helps everyone in the milonga.  If people are standing and chatting on the dance-floor in between tandas, your line of sight may be blocked.  With everyone seated, you can easily look at potential partners, if you wish to dance the coming tanda.

PP

Creative contradictions

Life seems to be full of interesting contradictions and paradoxes. Have you noticed that tango is no exception?

Music and lyrics
The music suggests one thing, and the lyrics often say another

Looking into the music and lyrics of tango, you might be rather surprised by the apparently contradictory elements. The lyrics of tango are highly emotive, frequently melancholy and sometimes simply tragic. On the other hand, the accompanying music is physically engaging, often surprisingly upbeat - thus beckoning us onto the dance-floor (at least with a good DJ at the helm).

Originally, of course, these lyrics were written to tell human stories that the everyday person could relate to. Perhaps the music's contribution is there to enable us to experience universal human emotions through dance - also allowing us to dance away our cares for a while?

Expressing of emotions and personal space
Publicly we experience and express emotions in the arms of another person - possibly not our life partner

It comes as no surprise that social tango brings with it seemingly conflicting demands. At the root of this, perhaps is the expression of emotion in a public place. There is also the intimate physical contact with, at times, a stranger.  When two people connect through the feeling in the music, their passing, shared intimate experience may be exposed to observation and to potential comment.

So, it makes sense that the following codes (etiquette) evolved, and still have merit:

• Despite the intense and emotive nature of some tango music, the expression of it through dance is contained. Dancers are led by the music, so the couple may experience  a powerful response. But this is not overtly demonstrated for all to see.

• When a tango comes to an end, the couple does not maintain the embrace in any way. It is no more than a three minute romance, with no further implications. At the end of even the most romantic tanda, the lady is escorted back to her table, the man returns to his - and that is that.

Some might reject the codigos as having no place in our modern tango world, far the Buenos Aires of old. But I find that these elegant strategies allow us to enjoy the dynamics of the milonga. We are not hampered by any expectation that the three minute romance will continue beyond the dance-floor. Nor are we concerned with any speculation by onlookers about actual or imagined romantic liaisons.

The couple and the others in the ronda
A couple dance together, but they also dance with the other couples

Social tango allows each dancer to surrender to their partner and to the music. The dance is not primarily for the benefit of onlookers, but rather for the couple's enjoyment. Abandoning oneself like this can lead to a profound sense of satisfaction and joy.

Yet, a dance-floor full of couples giving unbridled expression to the music sounds downright dangerous! To avoid chaos, a couple dances with other couples in the ronda. They enter the ronda with care, the leader navigates, they move in harmony with the music, and both dancers contain their movements out of consideration for those around them. How else would it be possible for everyone on the dance-floor to enjoy themselves - without distraction and without fear of injury? When these competing demands are managed well, the ronda is blissfully harmonious. And being a part of that can feel almost magical.

Other 'contradictions' come to mind, such as:

• the benefits of disciplined technique, in order to improvise spontaneously 

• how a good 'leader' actually follows the 'follower'

Perhaps you can think of others ...

It seems to me that the resolution of these competing demands has actually created (rather than limited) the possibility of rich experiences for dancers. Perhaps, this could in part, explain the deep attraction of social tango.

PP

By the way, I've been reading Jordan Peterson's thoughts on Life, and reckon that what he has to say about finding a balance between chaos and order is relevant to these ' Creative contradictions' in tango. I particularly like his example of surfing in Hawaiian culture: "When a surfer mastered a wave, he was physically embodying the balance between order and chaos".
Does the relevance to social tango seem a bit far-fetched? I'm not so sure.

Spot the beginner

A: "There she is. She's a beginner - she needs some advice. I'll give her the benefit of my expertise. After all, she'll feel grateful that someone with my experience is getting her up to dance."
(Why do some people feel the need to do this??)

B: "I was pushed and pulled all over the place. He was showing off, trying to get me to do his tricks. I had no idea what he wanted me to do, and I was made to feel like an idiot with everyone watching. He was in my ear all the time, telling me what to do - I couldn't focus on the music. Then, he used the breaks in the tanda to demonstrate figures to me. I'm new to tango and simply didn't know how to deal with the situation. I love the music, the dance, the connection, but after that, I just felt like going home."

Of course, there's an equivalent scenario with the roles reversed.

The fundamental element missing above is RESPECT. A good tango dancer (not necessarily one with lots of years of experience) will respect his/her partner - won't give unsolicited advice in the milonga, and will dance in a manner that is appropriate to the partner's current ability. The good dancer will, in fact, be able to enhance his/her partner's dancing as the tanda progresses. Yes, we may want to give our partner the benefit of our expertise, but that can be achieved through HOW we dance with them.

A good male dancer, for example, will start the tanda with a new partner by walking with sensitivity to the music - monitoring his partner's responses and accommodating, in order to instil confidence. Then maybe some small backward ochos, taking time to ensure that she completes her pivot before the next step, and being very explicit with the leads. The focus is on his partner, ensuring that she is comfortable and that the communication is working. Above all, a good dancer will respond to the music so she FEELS it through his body and his movements. During the tanda he'll check that she's feeling OK. You may ask: What about him? Well, this tanda is all about HER, as he does his best to convince her that tango is a dance of love - in many aspects.

So, how could a beginner deal with the humiliating treatment described earlier? She doesn't want to be labelled a snob by turning men away, thereby possibly reducing the chances of men inviting her to dance. On the other hand, she doesn't want to feel like someone's plaything.

Think of it this way: when it comes to unwelcome behaviours, tango is no different to other social situations. If she doesn't like what's happening to her, she doesn't have to put up with it. She could say something like:

• "I'm sorry, but I don't feel comfortable with this right now. I'd rather sit down."
• "I'm really not able to talk and dance at the same time."
• "Thanks, but I need to sit down."

And in future, it's best to avoid the situation by actively using the cabeceo, and avoiding the gaze of certain people. It also pays to be armed with a response for unwelcome direct approaches - commonly used on beginners. If you'd rather not dance with someone, try something simple like: "Thanks, but not right now."

BTW. What do I mean by a 'good tango dancer'?
Someone who respects his/her partner and strives to make the tanda a positive experience; understands and practises the codes of the milonga; feels, connects with, and expresses the music in his/her dancing, and has the skills to execute tango movements which are appropriate in the social, sometimes crowded, context.

So, in the opening scenario, could you spot the real beginner?

Bob

Is milonga etiquette passé?

Casting my eyes over the reader statistics of this blog, I was surprised by a stand-out trend over the years. The most read and commented posts had a clear theme in common. In the popularity stakes, these two posts were head and shoulders above the rest.

On reflection, the high readership should have been easily anticipated. Considering the social nature of milongas, it should come as no surprise that a topic such as Partner-poaching is a popular post, and that the most read and commented post is How to choose a dance partner.

Not all the comments were in agreement with the sentiments expressed in the posts. In fact, some hearty online discussion resulted. Nevertheless, these real-life situations (humorous, embarrassing, perplexing) in the milonga certainly resonated with many readers.

Surely the popularity of those posts tells us something. In my opinion that message is that milonga etiquette, respect & courtesy, codes of behaviour - call it what you will - still serve a useful role in 21st century milongas, both here and in Buenos Aires.
PP

Milonga Q and A

Last week we conducted a brief Q and A.  We asked dancers in our group about their concerns in the milonga. Had they experienced behaviours which they didn't like, but didn't know how to respond to? From a tentative beginning emerged quite a number of issues, many to do with plain good manners!

We thought it might be useful to share the concerns and some suggested responses:

Surrounding couples are doing big movements, which are either disturbing your dancing or posing a danger. (Assuming that the norm of the milonga is small movements)

1. At a break in the music, the man could take his partner to a safer part of the ronda. 
2. Where the movements are dangerous to others, ask the milonga organiser to deal with it.
3. The man can navigate to reduce the space the offending couple has, so that they have to dance more conservatively in a smaller space – but the man will always always protect his partner in doing so.

Your partner (male or female) uses an uncomfortable embrace
e.g. too intimate (e.g. man putting your right hand to his chest); stressful (pushing your right/left hand out or up too far;  man pushing & pulling as a means of leading); physically uncomfortable (gripping you too tightly; man ‘paddling’ your back as he leads).

1. You can move your hand to the position that you prefer; if your partner complains, mention that the other position is uncomfortable; if he/she ignores that, tell him/her that you’ll need to sit down if he/she doesn’t do as you’ve asked. 
2. If the embrace is too tight, wriggle out of it until you have the room you need.

Your partner is talking, singing, whistling, making noises that you don’t like

1. “I can’t dance and listen at the same time”.  
2. “I’m finding your talking/singing/noises distracting” (but not the case when a milonguera sings the words in your ear in BsAs, gentlemen!)

The music starts – couples continue to talk in the ronda

1. Dance within your own space until the ronda starts moving ahead 
2. If the couple ahead of you continues to talk at length, pass them on the man's left & rejoin the ronda in front.

You experience collisions, with no acknowledgement or apology

It’s good manners for the man to acknowledge a collision with a wave or nod.  In the case of a significant collision, approach the offended couple at the end of the track to apologise.

At the start of a tanda you are sitting and having a conversation

1. If you’re planning to continue the conversation and not dance, then keep your focus on the person you’re talking to.  But, if you want to dance, chat and scan at the same time. 
2. If someone approaches you and interrupts your conversation, simply say, “No thank you, I’m chatting at the moment” or “Maybe later”

Poor lighting makes the cabeceo difficult
 
Men may need to move around the room so that the eye contact becomes more visible, but not too close to your intended partner.

Your partner (both men and women) keeps telling you what they want you to do

1. “I can’t dance and listen at the same time”.  (man or woman) 
2. “You lead it and I’ll follow”. (woman) 
3. “Let your body do the talking”. (woman) 
4. “My focus is on the music and leading with my body, not on figures” (man)

Man persists with a figure without leading it effectively. You don’t understand what he wants
 
Ladies, you could use your body language (e.g. puzzled expression, shrug of shoulders) to show you don’t understand what the man is leading. If he persists, and you feel uncomfortable, tell him. If he ignores that, tell him that you don't feel comfortable and you’ll need to sit down.

Ladies may fear that they won't get dances if they refuse poor dancers

Is a bad dance really better than no dance?
Your dancing may be judged by potential partners before they look in your direction; dancing poorly with a bad dancer may give them an impression of you as a dancer that you don’t desire.

Ladies tending to be too nice …  not knowing how to refuse an invitation from someone they simply don’t want to dance with

Certainly, it’s helpful for experienced women to dance with beginner men.

1. However, this doesn’t help poor ‘experienced’ dancers if they continue to believe that they can get dances without making the effort to improve. 
2. Accept with the proviso that “from now on, it’s with the eyes only!” This can be done in a light-hearted, yet assertive manner. 
3. When it’s very clear that dancing with a particular man would be a disaster: “No thank you, I’m afraid our dance styles are incompatible”

Note: Effective use of the cabeceo is a way of avoiding some of these problems altogether.

How are your conversation/tango skills?

Recently a relatively new member of our tango community was asking me about the cabeceo and tango etiquette. As we chatted, he commented on the strong similarities between good manners relating to conversation and tango.

This got me thinking, and I decided to design a little quiz.  Here goes:

Before trying to engage a person in conversation, do you ...

1. look at them first to see if they might be interested in engaging with you?
2. tap them on the shoulder and expect them to want to talk to you?

If that person is already involved in a conversation with someone else, do you ...

1. interrupt that conversation and take over?
2. wait until that person is 'free' & looks interested in talking to you?

If you start talking with that person ...

1. do you really listen to them?
2. are you planning what you want to say next, while they are still speaking?

While speaking with them, do you ...

1. talk at length, without allowing them opportunity to engage in the conversation?
2. express an idea, listen to their response, and then respond to that?

How did you go with the quiz? (My preferred answers: 1, 2, 1, 2)

Does it sound like tango to you, too? Perhaps you might think of something to add to the quiz.
PP

What does it take to dance in Buenos Aires?

Thinking of visiting the Mecca of tango? 
Are you ready for the challenges which await you? 
Are your expectations realistic?

Here is one person’s opinion – not expert, not comprehensive, but coming from a lot of observation and personal experience.   Visitors to BsAs need as many assets as possible to break into the local milonga scene – and I’m talking about the traditional milongas here, such as La Nacional, El Beso, Plaza Bohemia, Lo de Celia, etc.  So here’s my list: 

•  Make an effort with your personal hygiene  and  appearance  (for a man, that can include wearing a jacket). 
•  A good embrace is a must, and the first step you take is a defining moment – make it count. 
• You need to dance well if you are to be noticed, and then desired as a possible partner
• And you need to appear interested and confident – look like you belong in the milonga

Now some basic codes that should be respected: 

•  Using the cabeceo is essential …. and for ladies, that also means remaining in your seats until the man arrives
• Good navigation skills must be used to avoid embarrassing collisions, or disturbing the dancers around you. This means following a tight line-of-dance and respecting neighbouring dancers’ space.
• It is important to dance appropriately and conservatively. No big figures, gentlemen. Nor feet off the floor, ladies.  Everyone sees everything in the milonga  - dancing that doesn’t fit in, is quickly condemned in people’s minds  
• When dancing, there needs to be maximum concentration on your partner – it’s not about you, it’s about them.  Add to this, musicality that reflects familiarity with the music, and how to respond to it.

So will breaking into the scene take a long time?  There are a number of factors to keep an eye on, quite apart from the above list (e.g. don’t sit as a couple if you expect to dance with other partners).  Here are some extra tips: 

•  Stay for a reasonable period in BsAs (no, two weeks aren’t long enough), attend the same milonga regularly, and return to BsAs as often as you can to re-connect with partners you have met
• If you get a couple of dances on your first night, and your partners liked what they felt, then they will probably look out for you next time  ..... when you may then find a couple more new partners
• Have patience, and an understanding of social pressures – local people go to the milongas to see and dance with their friends, so there is an element of wanting to dance together first.  You may have to wait and persist.  And while you may not get many dances in your early visits to the milongas, there is lots to interest the true tango lover, such as listening to the music, and watching the dancers.

These thoughts are the product of 15 years of annual visits to BsAs, when in the early years, lack of competence, ignorance ... and  a reasonable dose of fear, meant that we only danced as a couple.  No-one had told us anything about how to fit in, about the codes, about dancing that was appropriate.  Then there was a period of ‘dipping our toes in the water’, until we had eventually developed our skill, understanding, and confidence enough to fully embrace the ‘singles’ scene at the traditional milongas mentioned at the start, and to look forward to making local tango connections.  Above all, we came to utterly respect and enjoy the codes and customs of the milongas that belong to the people of BsAs.

There’s probably more that could be added to my list. What do you think?

Bob

PS. If you’re thinking of visiting BsAs for the first time to dance tango, and your teachers haven’t prepared you for what awaits, then make sure you talk to people who know.

Partner poaching

Sometimes our eye-sight doesn’t serve us well, and our use of the cabeceo suffers accordingly.  There have been times when a lady has accepted my invitation from afar, but the man in the next seat has dashed across the floor before I’ve even risen.  The lady has a choice – insist on waiting for me to arrive and send the ‘sprinter’ away, or dance with him, and give me a nod to indicate “next tanda”.

I have also found myself as one of two men approaching a lady, only to find that I’ve got it wrong.  This situation has often been resolved by everyone laughing it off as part of the fun, followed by my retreat … although once, one of my regular partners at El Maipu, sitting nearby, fixed things by saying, “Come on Robert, let’s dance”!  No retreat necessary.

However, there is another, less pleasant scenario that is talked about in some of the milongas in Buenos Aires, and at my local ones; this is the one involving the ‘partner poacher’.   Certainly, the ‘sprinter’ above may be one of those, and if the lady doesn’t want to dance with him, she can choose not to. However, the talk is more about some women: they are close to the line of sight of the cabeceo from a man to a woman nearby; as the man approaches, she jumps up and enters the dance floor in front of the intended lady.  Again, there is a choice at hand – this time by the man.  He will normally not want to embarrass the lady on the floor, so will dance with her …. hopefully, with a nod to the lady still seated.

Sometimes the misunderstanding is unintended, and at other times, women talk about their partners being stolen.  The ‘partner poacher’ gets her dance, but at what cost?  Clearly, there is some ill-feeling from affected women.  And for the man?  He too will be disturbed, and may end up simply ‘going through the motions’ for the tanda, feeling resentful.  All in all, not a good result.

So, what is the protocol?  It’s quite simple really. Once the cabeceo has been successful, the man will approach the woman, making frequent eye contact solely with her; she will do the same, as confirmation that she is his intended partner.  The woman should stay seated until the man is at her table, gives her another clear nod, then she should join him on the floor.  In these circumstances the likelihood of mistakes, while never completely eliminated, is lessened and harmony in the milonga will prevail.
Bob

Cabeceo - more than an invitation.

We have written often about the power of the cabeceo - the invitation to dance. However, there’s a case to be made that the cabeceo injects other elements into the milonga – and not necessarily explicitly.

Clearly, the cabeceo is a strategy for engaging with other dancers, but it also shows a willingness to engage.   It can be very frustrating for a dancer, accustomed to using the cabeceo, to attend milongas where he/she is faced with dancers who rely on the direct approach.  He/she will sit, looking around for eye-contact, willing to engage, but receive no response.  The others will chat, dance only with their friends, or scroll through their text messages!  Going to a milonga, where everyone who wishes to dance the tanda is actively looking, is such a relief.

…. and what about the milongas where the cabeceo has become the norm?  I would suggest that the dancers have also adopted other codes of behaviour, typical of traditional milongas – and this spills over into how they dance.  There’s a greater likelihood that the line-of-dance and navigation are good, there’s a respect for other couples, movements are conservative, the atmosphere is calm, and the dancers are attentive to the music.  In other words, an engaging place to be.

Bob

Cabeceo capital of Australia?

If you like an invitation to dance in the form of an outstretched hand, a tap on the shoulder or a more formal Would you care to dance?, then perhaps you should stop reading right now.

It may come as no surprise that I'm a strong supporter of the cabeceo.  Novices to this elegant technique of invitation typically find it challenging.  But once you get the hang of it and develop confidence, you'll find it quite empowering - for men and for women.

Why bother with yet another challenge?  You might well ask.  Isn't dancing tango hard enough?

Well, call me a traditional tango purist, if you like.  But for me, dancing real tango is about becoming one with the music and my partner.  It's not something I can simply switch on - with anyone, at any time, with any music.  I prefer to dance less often, and feel satisfied when I do.  So I prefer the choice to be mutual.

Over the past few years, we've been encouraging use of the cabeceo at our milongas: Comme il faut and La Esquina, and it's so gratifying to see that it has caught on.  Seldom do we see men approaching unsuspecting women with outstretched hand.  Rarely do they hover in front of their intended victim practically forcing her to get up and dance, or bluntly refuse him in public. Many experienced dancers in Adelaide now use the cabeceo quite effortlessly.  Dare I say, that it appears to be becoming the norm in some milongas here.

Perhaps it will eventually catch on in other Australian cities.  But in my experience, so far Adelaide easily wins the prize for the cabeceo capital of Australia.
PP

Express yourself!

How many times have you heard these exhortations from teachers of tango:

Allow yourself to be transported by the music.
Focus on the connection with your partner and the music.
Develop your own personal style.

I believe in these statements.  So, why was I aghast when a couple in a milonga was doing their own thing (in concert with the music), executing bizarre, disturbing movements reminiscent of a stage show?

Fortunately, there were no collisions with other dancers or surrounding objects. It was not a case of Dodgems on the dance-floor.  However, their dancing was incongruous with that of other couples around them in the ronda. They seemed unaware of their disruptive influence on an otherwise harmonious dance-floor.

The person sitting next to me was more forgiving and remarked that they were simply expressing themselves. No doubt, they were dancing tango in the way familiar to themselves.  They appeared to be having a good time, and isn't that the most important thing?  It made me ask myself if I had become grouchy and intolerant of styles different to my own.  Was I being too sensitive and critical?  I think not, but that's a somewhat biased opinion, of course!

It seemed that the couple had not internalised a basic fact: Tango is, above all, a Social Dance.

Perhaps they had never been taught the skills and awareness enabling them to dance with the other couples in the ronda.  Maybe the distinction between performance and social tango had never been made clear, ie. social tango is not primarily for the entertainment of onlookers.  Carlitos and Noelia show us the difference, and the contrast could hardly be greater: performance and social tango.

Tango therapist's social tango etiquette emphasizes consideration and respect for the surrounding couples.  Why? Because surrendering to the music and your partner in an intimate embrace requires us to trust not only our partner, but also trust those dancing nearby - something we cannot do if collisions seem likely.

Here are snippets of milongas in Chan Park's documentary trailer, showing how we can express ourselves in the dance and allow those around us to do the same.
PP

Territorial tendencies

Have you ever been dancing, blissfully transported by the music and your partner, only to be rudely shaken by another couple colliding with you? They appeared, seemingly out of nowhere, moving out of the line of dance. Adding insult to injury, they made no sign of apology and danced on oblivious.

Humans are, by nature, territorial animals. They can exhibit aggression when someone tries to muscle onto their patch. Milongueros in Buenos Aires protect their partner and their space in the ronda.

Of course, they are not immune to feelings of annoyance when subjected to an intrusion. In the early days of tango, knife fights reportedly took place, perhaps over a woman or due to lack of respect on the dance-floor. Nowadays, the milonga tends to be a more civilised environment - on the surface, at least.

Codes of etiquette in traditional Buenos Aires milongas evolved to prevent violent encounters, and to curb other anti-social behaviours associated with the primitive part of our brains.

When even a minor collision happens on the dance-floor, the male dancers immediately signal an apology to each other.  This happens even if the dancer was not responsible for the collision. It keeps the peace.  It shows respect.

I suspect that those who don't do this in BsAs are considered no better than barbarians.

So, how do you deal with such mishaps on the dance-floor?

PP

Cabeceo between the guys

At last, a light-hearted video on dance-floor etiquette!

Take a look. You may recognise someone: The Over-Excited Follower, Mr Oblivious, Mr Show-Off, The Social Guy, etc.

But beware ... one of these people may just be you!


(Thanks, Nihada, for finding this gem.)
PP

How do you like your cabeceo?

Curiously, the cabeceo seems to provoke strong reactions in some people.  Yet, it can be an elegant way of showing an interest in dancing with a particular person, and allowing them real choice in the matter.  With increased personal confidence in tango and a little practice, it becomes quite easy.  Of course, that doesn't mean that you'll always get your own way.  After all, it's about choice - for all involved!

Perhaps people who reject the cabeceo feel a little threatened by it somehow.  Don't so many of us simply avoid the things we don't understand?

In Adelaide, it's delightful to see an increasing number of people getting the hang of the cabeceo.  Some use it with apparent ease, while others are still honing their skills and may experience awkward moments.

How do you like your cabeceo?  At the beginning of a tanda which you would like to dance to, do you ...

1. continue talking with the person next to you and then wonder why you're not dancing to that wonderful music?
2. approach the person, and indicate non-verbally that you'd like to dance with her/him?
3. focus on a person for a short while, so that they have a chance to register your interest.  If they don't appear interested, you direct your gaze at a different potential partner?
4. look around the salon; your gaze alighting briefly on potential partners of interest, until one of them responds positively?
5. stare intently at a person, regardless of whether they have clearly ignored your gaze. Continue to stare at her/him, in the hope of wearing down their defences?

Which method works for you?  What strategies permit real choice with no pressure?  Do you have other cabeceo suggestions?

PP