Mirada? Cabeceo? What’s the difference?

In essence they are two very simple signals in the milonga:

MIRADA (the look) = showing interest to dance

CABECEO (the nod) = indicating acceptance

Yet even experienced tango dancers may find this respectful form of invitation challenging.  

For example, I’ve often heard:
“I was nodding at you, so why didn’t you dance with me?”

“He/She stares at me continuously even though I show no interest.”

“He/She is always in deep conversation with friends.  Later he/she complains that we didn’t dance.”

Well, let’s take a look at the basics:

MIRADA
Having selected a person you would like to dance with, you indicate your interest by looking at their eyes.  The look usually needs to be sustained for a few seconds - no more, so they understand that you would be interested in dancing with them.  A glance is not usually enough.  But it’s not a long stare either.

(If they’re not interested at the time, they won’t hold your gaze.  And nobody else will know!)

CABECEO

If the person does hold your gaze, they may accept by nodding their head, or by smiling, or by making some other positive gesture. You can then show your agreement with a similar gesture.  While maintaining eye-contact, the man makes his way to the woman’s table, who remains seated until he arrives in front of her (thus avoiding misunderstandings in a busy milonga).  He then leads her on to the dance floor - yes, he goes first.

Yes, it’s that simple! 
If you’re interested you need to show it through your body language. 
And you need to accept that everyone has a right to choose. In other words, the acceptance must be mutual, otherwise it’s not consent.

Of course, there are lots of finer points. To give yourself the best chance of success, I recommend taking a good look at Tango Mentor’s excellent article.
https://tangomentor.com/cabeceo-beginners-guide/

Cabeceo - the basics

We've written lots about the cabeceo: how to, pitfalls to avoid, special tips, funny situations, etc.  But if you want a handy summary on this elegant technique for invitation in tango, just take a look at The Beginner's Guide to Cabeceo by Tango Immigrant.

Musical chairs in the milonga

Are you a milonga gypsy?  Or do you like to return to your own chair after dancing? 

So, what's the fuss about seating at milongas?

Consider this real-life scenario (only names have been changed):

Joanne and Phil normally arrive at milongas fairly early.  Among other things, they like to take their pick of seats before the milonga gets busy.

After a hectic week, they headed out to relax at a local milonga.  Having paid the entrada and found a nice spot to sit, Harry slung his coat over his chair with his phone safely tucked in the coat pocket out of harm's way.

Many people arrived, and as the milonga became busier, each new arrival tried to work out where there was a free place to sit.  To avoid any unpleasantness, before sitting down most new arrivals politely tried to confirm with those sitting at a table, whether a place was available.  Sometimes they would get it wrong, and the recent arrival would have to gather up their belongings and find another spot.  At times, this was accompanied by some awkwardness.

Meanwhile, Joanne and Phil had been enjoying the milonga.  Returning to his chair after a tanda, Phil found someone else sitting there, engrossed in an animated conversation.  Having nowhere else to sit, and being far too polite to say anything, Phil waited patiently.  Then he realised that the 'visitor' was not only sitting on his freshly dry-cleaned coat, but probably also on his phone!  Still he said nothing!!  Instead he continued to wait ... somewhat anxiously.  (Politeness can be taken a touch too far.)

Fortunately, the phone was undamaged, and Phil was able eventually to reclaim his seat.  No harm done.  

But, could you imagine some better alternatives to this scenario?  Allow me to suggest a few improvements:

Organisers provide sufficient seating for everyone
This ensures that each person has somewhere for their jacket, drink, mints, fan, etc.

Organisers keep an eye on seating
They make the effort to indicate comfortable options for each person when they arrive, rather than leaving dancers to their own devices after taking their money.  This also prevents congestion in any one area, thereby reducing obstructions on the dance-floor.

Dancers return to their seat at the end of tandas
If you have been 'visiting' another table for a chat, you return to your seat (or go elsewhere, such as the bar) at the end of the tanda.  This ensures that the 'owner' of that spot has somewhere to sit when they have finished dancing. 
Returning to your seat also facilitates the cabeceo, because potential dance partners will know where to look for you.  In fact, sitting down during the cortina helps everyone in the milonga.  If people are standing and chatting on the dance-floor in between tandas, your line of sight may be blocked.  With everyone seated, you can easily look at potential partners, if you wish to dance the coming tanda.

PP

Spot the beginner

A: "There she is. She's a beginner - she needs some advice. I'll give her the benefit of my expertise. After all, she'll feel grateful that someone with my experience is getting her up to dance."
(Why do some people feel the need to do this??)

B: "I was pushed and pulled all over the place. He was showing off, trying to get me to do his tricks. I had no idea what he wanted me to do, and I was made to feel like an idiot with everyone watching. He was in my ear all the time, telling me what to do - I couldn't focus on the music. Then, he used the breaks in the tanda to demonstrate figures to me. I'm new to tango and simply didn't know how to deal with the situation. I love the music, the dance, the connection, but after that, I just felt like going home."

Of course, there's an equivalent scenario with the roles reversed.

The fundamental element missing above is RESPECT. A good tango dancer (not necessarily one with lots of years of experience) will respect his/her partner - won't give unsolicited advice in the milonga, and will dance in a manner that is appropriate to the partner's current ability. The good dancer will, in fact, be able to enhance his/her partner's dancing as the tanda progresses. Yes, we may want to give our partner the benefit of our expertise, but that can be achieved through HOW we dance with them.

A good male dancer, for example, will start the tanda with a new partner by walking with sensitivity to the music - monitoring his partner's responses and accommodating, in order to instil confidence. Then maybe some small backward ochos, taking time to ensure that she completes her pivot before the next step, and being very explicit with the leads. The focus is on his partner, ensuring that she is comfortable and that the communication is working. Above all, a good dancer will respond to the music so she FEELS it through his body and his movements. During the tanda he'll check that she's feeling OK. You may ask: What about him? Well, this tanda is all about HER, as he does his best to convince her that tango is a dance of love - in many aspects.

So, how could a beginner deal with the humiliating treatment described earlier? She doesn't want to be labelled a snob by turning men away, thereby possibly reducing the chances of men inviting her to dance. On the other hand, she doesn't want to feel like someone's plaything.

Think of it this way: when it comes to unwelcome behaviours, tango is no different to other social situations. If she doesn't like what's happening to her, she doesn't have to put up with it. She could say something like:

• "I'm sorry, but I don't feel comfortable with this right now. I'd rather sit down."
• "I'm really not able to talk and dance at the same time."
• "Thanks, but I need to sit down."

And in future, it's best to avoid the situation by actively using the cabeceo, and avoiding the gaze of certain people. It also pays to be armed with a response for unwelcome direct approaches - commonly used on beginners. If you'd rather not dance with someone, try something simple like: "Thanks, but not right now."

BTW. What do I mean by a 'good tango dancer'?
Someone who respects his/her partner and strives to make the tanda a positive experience; understands and practises the codes of the milonga; feels, connects with, and expresses the music in his/her dancing, and has the skills to execute tango movements which are appropriate in the social, sometimes crowded, context.

So, in the opening scenario, could you spot the real beginner?

Bob

Women's choice

Do you leave the milonga feeling dissatisfied?

Would you like to dance more? Or with other partners?

When it comes to choosing partners, do you feel powerless?

Do you feel that the milonga is a man's world?

Well, I'll let you into a little secret:
Women can be very influential in this situation, if they play their cards right. Here are a few handy tips:

If you want to dance ...

DO
... look like you want to dance when the new tanda starts

... look at prospective partners, so they know you are interested in dancing with them (cabeceo). You could smile, too

... make an extra effort and invite a friend to the milonga to improve the gender-balance (rather than relying solely on men who came alone or with their own partners)

DON'T
... approach potential partners directly (rather than looking). They may not want to dance with you or to that music. And did you realise that many ladies become annoyed with this behaviour, and see it as a form of queue-jumping or partner-poaching?

... spend precious time checking messages, etc. on your phone

... remain engrossed in a conversation when the music starts, and later complain that you didn't dance much!


Follow these tips consistently, be patient, and things will improve!  You may not get to dance with everyone you'd like to (most men don't, either), but your milonga satisfaction will certainly grow.

PP

Welcome stranger!

Visiting foreign milongas can be hit and miss.  Often, it's more miss than hit!  In our experience tango communities can be - shall we say - rather insular when newcomers appear at a milonga.  Lack of familiarity with the cabeceo can be a factor.  If people aren't using or are not alert to the non-verbal "I'd like to dance with you" signals, they will probably stick with the safe option, and just dance with their friends - despite having observed that the newcomers dance well.  That's their choice, of course. But it seems a pity.  They'll never know what they missed.

So, it was with no high expectations that we went to The Counting House, Edinburgh Tango Society's Tuesday evening milonga.  What a pleasant surprise to be warmly welcomed by their tango community not only on arrival, but throughout the evening.  Most dancers used the cabeceo effectively,  and we were both kept busy dancing to DJ Mike's good music with lots of  lovely Edinburgh people.  (Coincidentally, DJ Mike mentioned that he had attended our Comme il faut milonga when visiting Adelaide seven years ago, and remarked several times what a welcoming tango community he had encountered.)

Thanks for the great night, Edinburgh. Hope we can reciprocate your hospitality in Adelaide soon.

How are your conversation/tango skills?

Recently a relatively new member of our tango community was asking me about the cabeceo and tango etiquette. As we chatted, he commented on the strong similarities between good manners relating to conversation and tango.

This got me thinking, and I decided to design a little quiz.  Here goes:

Before trying to engage a person in conversation, do you ...

1. look at them first to see if they might be interested in engaging with you?
2. tap them on the shoulder and expect them to want to talk to you?

If that person is already involved in a conversation with someone else, do you ...

1. interrupt that conversation and take over?
2. wait until that person is 'free' & looks interested in talking to you?

If you start talking with that person ...

1. do you really listen to them?
2. are you planning what you want to say next, while they are still speaking?

While speaking with them, do you ...

1. talk at length, without allowing them opportunity to engage in the conversation?
2. express an idea, listen to their response, and then respond to that?

How did you go with the quiz? (My preferred answers: 1, 2, 1, 2)

Does it sound like tango to you, too? Perhaps you might think of something to add to the quiz.
PP

Eye spy

The tanda has started, and couples are already on the floor, blocking lines of sight for an effective cabeceo. That’s one of the challenges in a busy milonga, when you wait for the music to start before deciding who you’d like to dance it with, or even whether to dance at all.

Now, a small window of opportunity has been created, and I can see the woman I want to dance with. Did I detect interested eye-contact? Was that a small inclination of her head in acknowledgement? Too late to be certain, because the gap has quickly closed again. Better keep my eyes in that direction to see if she’s doing the same, poised, ready to confirm an agreement to dance …… or maybe she’ll be looking elsewhere now. The gap has opened again. She is still looking for me. We both nod decisively and smile. The dance is ON! ……. and we have yet to meet for the first time.

Try this in a crowded supermarket, a theatre foyer, or a school parents’ meeting, and it’d be seen as inappropriate flirting - you’d soon be put in your place. However, the accepted codes of behaviour at an Argentine tango milonga work within a different set of parameters. Not only is this behaviour O.K., but it is seen as THE respectful way to arrange a dance partner for the next 12 minutes. It’s all about context!

What a pity that so many tango communities outside Buenos Aires adhere to the view that the cabeceo is too hard, and direct approaches are expected. Tricky it may be at times, but unachievable it isn’t. It just takes persistence, modelling, and a bit of self-confidence – that’s what it took for the cabeceo to become the norm at our milongas.
Bob

What does it take to dance in Buenos Aires?

Thinking of visiting the Mecca of tango? 
Are you ready for the challenges which await you? 
Are your expectations realistic?

Here is one person’s opinion – not expert, not comprehensive, but coming from a lot of observation and personal experience.   Visitors to BsAs need as many assets as possible to break into the local milonga scene – and I’m talking about the traditional milongas here, such as La Nacional, El Beso, Plaza Bohemia, Lo de Celia, etc.  So here’s my list: 

•  Make an effort with your personal hygiene  and  appearance  (for a man, that can include wearing a jacket). 
•  A good embrace is a must, and the first step you take is a defining moment – make it count. 
• You need to dance well if you are to be noticed, and then desired as a possible partner
• And you need to appear interested and confident – look like you belong in the milonga

Now some basic codes that should be respected: 

•  Using the cabeceo is essential …. and for ladies, that also means remaining in your seats until the man arrives
• Good navigation skills must be used to avoid embarrassing collisions, or disturbing the dancers around you. This means following a tight line-of-dance and respecting neighbouring dancers’ space.
• It is important to dance appropriately and conservatively. No big figures, gentlemen. Nor feet off the floor, ladies.  Everyone sees everything in the milonga  - dancing that doesn’t fit in, is quickly condemned in people’s minds  
• When dancing, there needs to be maximum concentration on your partner – it’s not about you, it’s about them.  Add to this, musicality that reflects familiarity with the music, and how to respond to it.

So will breaking into the scene take a long time?  There are a number of factors to keep an eye on, quite apart from the above list (e.g. don’t sit as a couple if you expect to dance with other partners).  Here are some extra tips: 

•  Stay for a reasonable period in BsAs (no, two weeks aren’t long enough), attend the same milonga regularly, and return to BsAs as often as you can to re-connect with partners you have met
• If you get a couple of dances on your first night, and your partners liked what they felt, then they will probably look out for you next time  ..... when you may then find a couple more new partners
• Have patience, and an understanding of social pressures – local people go to the milongas to see and dance with their friends, so there is an element of wanting to dance together first.  You may have to wait and persist.  And while you may not get many dances in your early visits to the milongas, there is lots to interest the true tango lover, such as listening to the music, and watching the dancers.

These thoughts are the product of 15 years of annual visits to BsAs, when in the early years, lack of competence, ignorance ... and  a reasonable dose of fear, meant that we only danced as a couple.  No-one had told us anything about how to fit in, about the codes, about dancing that was appropriate.  Then there was a period of ‘dipping our toes in the water’, until we had eventually developed our skill, understanding, and confidence enough to fully embrace the ‘singles’ scene at the traditional milongas mentioned at the start, and to look forward to making local tango connections.  Above all, we came to utterly respect and enjoy the codes and customs of the milongas that belong to the people of BsAs.

There’s probably more that could be added to my list. What do you think?

Bob

PS. If you’re thinking of visiting BsAs for the first time to dance tango, and your teachers haven’t prepared you for what awaits, then make sure you talk to people who know.

Partner poaching

Sometimes our eye-sight doesn’t serve us well, and our use of the cabeceo suffers accordingly.  There have been times when a lady has accepted my invitation from afar, but the man in the next seat has dashed across the floor before I’ve even risen.  The lady has a choice – insist on waiting for me to arrive and send the ‘sprinter’ away, or dance with him, and give me a nod to indicate “next tanda”.

I have also found myself as one of two men approaching a lady, only to find that I’ve got it wrong.  This situation has often been resolved by everyone laughing it off as part of the fun, followed by my retreat … although once, one of my regular partners at El Maipu, sitting nearby, fixed things by saying, “Come on Robert, let’s dance”!  No retreat necessary.

However, there is another, less pleasant scenario that is talked about in some of the milongas in Buenos Aires, and at my local ones; this is the one involving the ‘partner poacher’.   Certainly, the ‘sprinter’ above may be one of those, and if the lady doesn’t want to dance with him, she can choose not to. However, the talk is more about some women: they are close to the line of sight of the cabeceo from a man to a woman nearby; as the man approaches, she jumps up and enters the dance floor in front of the intended lady.  Again, there is a choice at hand – this time by the man.  He will normally not want to embarrass the lady on the floor, so will dance with her …. hopefully, with a nod to the lady still seated.

Sometimes the misunderstanding is unintended, and at other times, women talk about their partners being stolen.  The ‘partner poacher’ gets her dance, but at what cost?  Clearly, there is some ill-feeling from affected women.  And for the man?  He too will be disturbed, and may end up simply ‘going through the motions’ for the tanda, feeling resentful.  All in all, not a good result.

So, what is the protocol?  It’s quite simple really. Once the cabeceo has been successful, the man will approach the woman, making frequent eye contact solely with her; she will do the same, as confirmation that she is his intended partner.  The woman should stay seated until the man is at her table, gives her another clear nod, then she should join him on the floor.  In these circumstances the likelihood of mistakes, while never completely eliminated, is lessened and harmony in the milonga will prevail.
Bob

Cabeceo - more than an invitation.

We have written often about the power of the cabeceo - the invitation to dance. However, there’s a case to be made that the cabeceo injects other elements into the milonga – and not necessarily explicitly.

Clearly, the cabeceo is a strategy for engaging with other dancers, but it also shows a willingness to engage.   It can be very frustrating for a dancer, accustomed to using the cabeceo, to attend milongas where he/she is faced with dancers who rely on the direct approach.  He/she will sit, looking around for eye-contact, willing to engage, but receive no response.  The others will chat, dance only with their friends, or scroll through their text messages!  Going to a milonga, where everyone who wishes to dance the tanda is actively looking, is such a relief.

…. and what about the milongas where the cabeceo has become the norm?  I would suggest that the dancers have also adopted other codes of behaviour, typical of traditional milongas – and this spills over into how they dance.  There’s a greater likelihood that the line-of-dance and navigation are good, there’s a respect for other couples, movements are conservative, the atmosphere is calm, and the dancers are attentive to the music.  In other words, an engaging place to be.

Bob

Respect

Respect lies at the heart of tango, and it begins with that most respectful of invitations to dance – the cabeceo.

It continues with the embrace the man offers the woman – one of surrounding her with security.  An open embrace cannot provide this security, and one that puts her in strait-jacket does not respect her response.

So what else should the respectful man bring to his partner? Clear body communication and good body control will allow him to move with stability, balance, & precision.  Add to that a knowledge of tango music that will allow him to exhibit good musicality, with changing dynamics and energy.   He will have an ability to suggest the next movement …. and then wait for her response, finally moving with her.  His aim will be to create a resonance of movement and response to the music with his partner.  The bottom line – a constant focus on his partner: his lead, her response – as well as an acute awareness of the music.  Respect for her!

What can we say of the man who ignores much of this?  The man who believes that there is no reason to develop himself because he will dance anyway … most often by pressuring women with direct requests.  Is he disrespectful, arrogant, or just plain lazy?

Regardless of the answer, let’s encourage the men who show respect for women in their tango community by wanting to improve, using whatever means available to them. That involves more than going to lots of milongas and dancing every tanda in the same way.  Women deserve better than this! 

I suspect most women would gladly accept the cabeceo invitation of men who respect their partners - those men who make an ongoing effort to internalise the music and develop their social dancing skills. 

Bob

Diaries from BsAs #4 - How to say "No"

From her:

While explaining the cabeceo to a non-tango dancing porteña, I realised that while a lot has been written about the cabeceo (especially strategies on how to initiate and accept invitations), not much has been said about what to do when you DON'T want to dance.

The current music may not inspire you to dance.  You may not have had a chance to see the available partners dance yet, and don't want to take a chance of an unpleasant experience.  Maybe you've just danced a particularly satisfying tanda and simply wish to bask in the glow for a while.  Or, perhaps you wish to avoid a certain person with whom you feel uncomfortable.  These are a few of the reasons why I might not want to engage in the cabeceo at any one time.

I found myself explaining a few different approaches to"No" to this fascinated local woman.  The strategies for NOT engaging in the cabeceo invitation in a traditional milonga are ideally subtle and highly effective, but occasionally one has to resort to more direct methods:

Invisibility:  At traditional BsAs milongas, the men I have no desire to dance with are effectively invisible to me.  I hardly direct my gaze at them, because to do so would suggest to them that I were interested in dancing with them sometime.  Consequently, they generally won't look in my direction seeking to dance.

Focus elsewhere:  If I simply don't want to dance at all for a while, I find the best strategy is simply to watch the activity on the dance-floor.  That takes the pressure off trying to avoid any inviting gazes.

Gaze away:  The tricky part, I find, is when I want to dance and am therefore looking towards a potential partner, but a different man (sitting close to my intended target) tries to gain my attention by looking at me intently.  People are seated very close to one-another in these busy milongas, so meeting the gaze of the right person can be problematic at times.  To avoid confusion, I ensure that I don't hold his gaze and  I look away.  The "wrong" man should immediately see that I'm not interested in dancing with him.  He would normally get the message at this point.  (Most of the people here understand that there's no pleasure in dancing with someone who doesn't really want to dance with you. They also respect the woman's role in choosing a dance partner.)  Shortly after, I may try looking again at my intended target, if he's not already dancing, of course.

Direct refusal:  As a foreigner, I occasionally have been approached by a local man asking me to dance.  In my opinion this is a very bad sign, as it means that the man is unable to secure a dance using the preferred cabeceo  method, hence is probably an inadequate dancer.  Yet, his intention is to pressure a woman into dancing with him.  It shows a lack of respect for the woman, as his behaviour assumes that she will accept.  He completely deserves the refusal he gets, albeit with a smile.  He won't try that on me again. 
Luckily, the direct approach to invitations doesn't happen too often in traditional milongas, but it's best to be prepared!

I refuse to be the victim depicted by In Search of Tango  and would love to know about other helpful strategies.
PP


From him:

 ....... and the same strategies apply equally to male dancers in search for partners, and in avoiding others. 

However, should a man, with all his gentlemanly history forever on the surface, refuse a direct request from a woman?  Well, at a most traditional milonga in Buenos Aires the other night, my worst case (milonga) nightmare happened - a local woman, complete stranger, tapped me on the shoulder and roughly asked, "quieres bailar?" 

All my thinking regarding the issues above came to mind, but I was particularly conscious that, in this milonga, the codes of behaviour were totally respected.  The lady should have known better, and anyone watching would have been judging the situation, and assessing my response.  I felt that to say "No, gracias" was the only appropriate response, but to soften it, I said "No entiendo".  She repeated her question, this time in English.  To that I said, "yo tengo que bailar con mi pareja y mis amigas".  She accepted that, went away to talk with some friends, and that was that ...... except I was left knowing that I had refused a woman's request to dance with me.  Not a good feeling, but under the circumstances, the right thing to do.
Bob

Diaries from BsAs #2 - Thank goodness for friends

From him:

It appeared that G only danced with the local milongueros, but somehow I managed to dance with her twice last year … and she was good!

I hadn’t seen her in my first week here, then she appeared on Monday, and I hoped that we’d dance again.  As much as I tried, she wouldn’t return my cabeceo, so I greeted her as I went past; still no result.

Eventually her friend S nodded; I’d never danced with S, but I’d seen her over the years and knew she danced very well.  I made sure I gave the tanda everything, and during one of the chats, S remarked that she thought I had looked ‘lost’ earlier, but I said that I had been trying repeatedly to catch G’s eye.  I also decided to slip in that I suspected that G had forgotten me, then watched their table during the Cortina.  Yes, they immediately talked …….. and with the start of the next tanda, G looked my way and nodded!  Thank goodness for friends!  

The tanda was great, and later, to finish the evening on a good note, S & I danced again.

Bob

Cabeceo capital of Australia?

If you like an invitation to dance in the form of an outstretched hand, a tap on the shoulder or a more formal Would you care to dance?, then perhaps you should stop reading right now.

It may come as no surprise that I'm a strong supporter of the cabeceo.  Novices to this elegant technique of invitation typically find it challenging.  But once you get the hang of it and develop confidence, you'll find it quite empowering - for men and for women.

Why bother with yet another challenge?  You might well ask.  Isn't dancing tango hard enough?

Well, call me a traditional tango purist, if you like.  But for me, dancing real tango is about becoming one with the music and my partner.  It's not something I can simply switch on - with anyone, at any time, with any music.  I prefer to dance less often, and feel satisfied when I do.  So I prefer the choice to be mutual.

Over the past few years, we've been encouraging use of the cabeceo at our milongas: Comme il faut and La Esquina, and it's so gratifying to see that it has caught on.  Seldom do we see men approaching unsuspecting women with outstretched hand.  Rarely do they hover in front of their intended victim practically forcing her to get up and dance, or bluntly refuse him in public. Many experienced dancers in Adelaide now use the cabeceo quite effortlessly.  Dare I say, that it appears to be becoming the norm in some milongas here.

Perhaps it will eventually catch on in other Australian cities.  But in my experience, so far Adelaide easily wins the prize for the cabeceo capital of Australia.
PP

Budding tango relationships

No, I’m not referring to those fleeting relationships typified by an invitation to have a ‘cafecito’ after the milonga. For those unfamiliar with this euphemism, the expectation is to share more than a cup of coffee! 

She has observed & approved of his dancing and his conduct in the milonga.  He, too, has noticed her elegance and entrega. So begins the game of visually seeking out the other for the first time.

Still metres from her table, he approaches, maintaining eye contact, thus confirming their agreement to dance.  Only then does she rise from her seat, in a heightened state of anticipation, wondering whether her observations will be confirmed when she accepts his embrace.

As she places her upper body against his, his embrace encloses her into a respectful cocoon of safety and comfort. She relaxes and they begin to move together to the music.  

He suggests simple movements, intuitively assessing her responses. She feels his responses to her. They gradually become familiar with each other’s idiosyncrasies, nuances, musical sensitivities and imperfections. During the 12 minutes of the tanda, they begin a non-verbal conversation which slowly gains more depth - the start of a journey of mutual discovery to be continued at a future milonga when their paths cross again.

PP 

Cabeceo between the guys

At last, a light-hearted video on dance-floor etiquette!

Take a look. You may recognise someone: The Over-Excited Follower, Mr Oblivious, Mr Show-Off, The Social Guy, etc.

But beware ... one of these people may just be you!


(Thanks, Nihada, for finding this gem.)
PP

How do you like your cabeceo?

Curiously, the cabeceo seems to provoke strong reactions in some people.  Yet, it can be an elegant way of showing an interest in dancing with a particular person, and allowing them real choice in the matter.  With increased personal confidence in tango and a little practice, it becomes quite easy.  Of course, that doesn't mean that you'll always get your own way.  After all, it's about choice - for all involved!

Perhaps people who reject the cabeceo feel a little threatened by it somehow.  Don't so many of us simply avoid the things we don't understand?

In Adelaide, it's delightful to see an increasing number of people getting the hang of the cabeceo.  Some use it with apparent ease, while others are still honing their skills and may experience awkward moments.

How do you like your cabeceo?  At the beginning of a tanda which you would like to dance to, do you ...

1. continue talking with the person next to you and then wonder why you're not dancing to that wonderful music?
2. approach the person, and indicate non-verbally that you'd like to dance with her/him?
3. focus on a person for a short while, so that they have a chance to register your interest.  If they don't appear interested, you direct your gaze at a different potential partner?
4. look around the salon; your gaze alighting briefly on potential partners of interest, until one of them responds positively?
5. stare intently at a person, regardless of whether they have clearly ignored your gaze. Continue to stare at her/him, in the hope of wearing down their defences?

Which method works for you?  What strategies permit real choice with no pressure?  Do you have other cabeceo suggestions?

PP

Imagine if ...

While chatting with Pedro Sanchez, he made the strong statement that it is the women who set the standards at the milonga. In other words, the women determine the behaviours which they are prepared to tolerate from the men who want to dance with them. Take a moment to think about that and the implications.

How would milongas change if the more experienced female dancers were not prepared to accept invitations from those men who are guilty of one or more of the following …

·         blatantly interrupting conversations to invite them to dance

·         pushing and pulling them around the dance-floor

·         often causing collisions

·         ignoring their personal hygiene

·         attending the milonga in the same clothes they would wear to a barbecue?

Imagine a milonga where all the men ….

·         use the cabeceo, allowing women some real choice

·         communicate the lead subtly with their bodies

·         protect their partner and respect other dancers on the floor

·         make an effort with their personal hygiene

·         dress for a special occasion - the milonga.

Is this just a fantasy? Is it achievable? When all is said and done, I believe that it comes down to self-respect and personal standards.

PP

Cabeceo - making it work for you

So you've tried this cabeceo thingy a few times but it somehow didn't really work for you.

Did you look in his direction and he didn't return your gaze?

Was she was too busy talking to someone to notice that you were trying to get her attention?

Did you stare at him/her without success?

Well, here are some tips.

• First and foremost: it's about choice - for both parties - not about imposing your will.
• If you want to dance, show it, but in a way that allows the other person some choice. (See earlier post Cabeceo: the subtle game of pursuit)
• If possible, sit where eye contact with potential dance partners is easy. (Unfortunately, the physical conditions of some milongas can make this challenging eg. lighting, seating layout, etc.)
• Gentlemen, if you need to wander around to achieve that eye contact, just make sure you do it from afar thus allowing ladies real choice. (Contrary to popular opinion, nodding vigorously at a potential partner after coming within a metre or so, does not constitute a cabeceo!)
• Ladies, if you think this is all unfair and that you have little say in the process, think again. Women can have as much power in this situation. (See earlier post Buenos Aires milongas from a  woman's perspective for more details.
• Accept that there will be ups and downs. People choose not to dance at any one time for a multitude of reasons. Be patient and stay positive - nobody would want to dance with a disgruntled-looking person.
• Remember that it's about real choice for both parties.
  Do you want to dance with someone who is simply going through the motions because they didn't want to hurt your feelings?  Or do you want to dance with someone who really wants to dance with you?? Think quality rather than quantity.

PP