Different partners, different journeys

Ladies, we may sometimes lament the gender imbalance at milongas.  Perhaps we dance less than we’d like.  But have you considered some of the advantages of our role in tango? 

After Marta’s milonga Wednesday night (El Rodríguez), I was reminded how lucky we can be … if we are patient.  During that milonga I experienced three truly memorable tandas with men I had never previously danced with.  And each one was so very different!

D took me on a whirling flight through energetic D’Arienzo valses.   His strong dissociation and control meant our turns were so tight, we were like the vortex of a tornado.  Yet our movement was contained and couples around us remained undisturbed.

I caught the eye of S when I heard the introduction of a romantic Di Sarli tango.  His response to the music felt like waves in the ocean.  Carrying us gently, suspending at the crest of the wave and then accelerating downwards. 

Troilo’s tangos get a lot of coverage here, I’m happy to say.  I noticed a man trying to invite me when a Troilo tanda started.  Not having seen him dance, I looked away.  Fortunately, two lovely local ladies at my table, quickly reassured me that I should definitely not pass up that offer.  C took me on a nuanced musical journey, taking time to savour moments in the music and attentively responding to my responses.

To be ready for such diverse, special experiences in the milonga, good technique/body control is needed, allowing me to respond to a variety of movement possibilities.  The woman’s role also requires her to simultaneously follow the music … as well as her partner’s interpretation of it.  She doesn’t “just follow the lead”.

Finally, mindset is critical.  If I had had a preconceived idea of the dance, eg. dancing certain figures; being determined to display decorations; etc., then I would have missed out on the magic.  Being flexible and open to my partner is pivotal.  That’s when it gets interesting.  As in life!

Pat

Just a friendly word of advice

At a practica (or even at a milonga, heaven forbid), has a dance partner given you advice about how to improve your tango?  Perhaps it was a suggestion about your embrace, your balance, your movements, etc.  Did the advice make sense to you?  Were you successful in putting the advice into practice?  If so, did you feel that it resulted in an improvement?

Most of us do want to improve.  And, I think I would be correct in saying that most of us would love dancers in our tango community to continue to improve, so we can enjoy more of those treasured tango moments.  For that reason, we might from time to time, be tempted to provide unsolicited advice when something isn't quite working while dancing.  But quite apart from the inappropriateness of 'teaching' in a milonga where we should dance as equals, will this advice actually be helpful to our partner?

Do we have sufficient expertise to analyse and advise on movement?  Do we have expertise in the opposite role?  Are we certain that we are not responsible, at least in part, for the 'problem'?  In a practica or in class, wouldn't it instead be more helpful to provide feedback to our partner about what we are feeling, experiment together, then if advice is needed, ask an expert?

Take a look at Why most advice you get about your dancing is wrong, by Veronica Toumanova.

PP

Choose your partners carefully

There’s value in seeking out particular partners to dance your favourite D’Arienzo tanda, Tanturi valses, or a Di Sarli/Rufino tanda.  You know who dances these in the style you enjoy.

But what about all of your other partners?  By this, I mean the other couples already on the floor!  It may be wise to survey the line of dance for a moment, before entering the ronda.  You probably have no desire to dance in front or behind a couple who are dancing in a dangerous fashion (high boleos, large unpredictable movements, poor body control, etc.).  And then there are the couples who are dancing to the music in a manner very different to how you would, e.g. you may prefer to dance to some Pugliese slowly, without any complex moves, whereas your neighbouring couple may be fast & furious!  This will certainly disrupt your focus on the music.  It certainly distracts me! So, look for couples who will dance in a way that complements you  ….. and men, there’s also a lot to be gained by dancing behind a very good male dancer!

When I visualise dancing at my favourite milongas, I see a crowded floor, with my dance space on the outside ronda being no more than a ‘baldosa’ – maybe one metre square.  Yet, there is rarely a bump, because the dancing reflects the music very well, and the navigation skills of most leaders allow them to incorporate their neighbours’ movements into their own.  In this milonga, despite its busyness, I can normally relax with my partners, because I trust most of the other leaders that surround me.
Bob

Is milonga etiquette passé?

Casting my eyes over the reader statistics of this blog, I was surprised by a stand-out trend over the years. The most read and commented posts had a clear theme in common. In the popularity stakes, these two posts were head and shoulders above the rest.

On reflection, the high readership should have been easily anticipated. Considering the social nature of milongas, it should come as no surprise that a topic such as Partner-poaching is a popular post, and that the most read and commented post is How to choose a dance partner.

Not all the comments were in agreement with the sentiments expressed in the posts. In fact, some hearty online discussion resulted. Nevertheless, these real-life situations (humorous, embarrassing, perplexing) in the milonga certainly resonated with many readers.

Surely the popularity of those posts tells us something. In my opinion that message is that milonga etiquette, respect & courtesy, codes of behaviour - call it what you will - still serve a useful role in 21st century milongas, both here and in Buenos Aires.
PP

Diaries from BsAs #3 - Breaking into a milonga

From her:

Newcomers to tango often ask how long it will take them to be able to dance effectively. The only honest answer has to be that "it depends" ...... on many factors.

The same applies to how long it takes to break into a milonga to which you are new.  Recently we returned to a milonga which we hadn't attended for several years.  We sat separately, as usual.  Despite being a newcomer, I was surprisingly given a good seat.  I was close to the dance-floor and in open view of the male dancers.

Watching the dancers, I quickly realised that I hardly knew any of the men. I was an unknown quantity to them, as they were to me.

Fortunately, one of my favourite local partners happened to be there and we enjoyed a lovely tanda early.  At least, it was obvious to the men observing that I could dance well, and a number of them started looking my way for the next tanda.  But, I didn't know how they danced.

So, I followed my tried and true policy of not accepting invitations until I'd seen that they could dance well.  Trouble was, there were quite a number of capable male dancers swirling around.  For some time it was hard to identify and target the ones I wanted to dance with.

In the meantime, I thoroughly enjoyed listening to the excellent music chosen by DJ Dany Borelli.  Watching the dancers was also captivating - like staring into the flames of a fire.

Yes, I did have a few more lovely dances.  Next time, I expect there will be a few more.

As a newcomer to a milonga, patience is definitely essential, particularly if you are choosy.  After all, the local men have a circle of friends with whom they enjoy dancing.  It would be unreasonable for a newcomer to expect to immediately gain their attention.

So, how soon will you dance in any particular milonga? It depends on many things, but here are just a few:

• does your level of dancing match the general standard of the milonga?
• do you already know potential partners there?
• how selective are you?
• where are you positioned in the milonga?
• how effective are your cabeceo techniques?
• how do you present yourself? 
• how regularly do you attend that particular milonga?
• how patient are you and how much persistence do you have?
• ........

PP

How was it for you?

Gentlemen! If you want to dance real tango, you should leave exhibitionist figures and mind-sets at the door when you enter the milonga.

You'll need to focus your attention on the embrace and the music, and not on elaborate steps. What is the point of executing tricky figures, if the connection with your partner is broken? Do you really want her to feel like a puppet in your arms, rather than a woman?

So .......

      if we dance, I don't want to be your partner for a performance.

      if we dance, I will want you to dance with and for me.

      if we dance, it will be to share the feeling of the music.

After the first tango of a tanda, some milongueros gently check with me that I feel comfortable. Such is their respect. They know that a woman cannot give of herself in tango, if she is not at ease. True milongueros know that for a partner to share her passion, there must be trust. 

Guys, to dance tango, you must listen to the heart of the woman. Cacho Dante.

PP

State of mind

Recently, a gentleman in our tango community shared a most insightful observation. Dancing good tango begins with your state of mind. Probably, this will come as no surprise. But how often do we enter the dance-floor of the milonga mentally unprepared?

At a milonga, do you

• dance most tandas, regardless of the music, OR dance only when the music really summons you?
• dance with almost anyone, OR accept invitations (via cabeceo or otherwise) only from people you want to dance with?
• chat while dancing, OR reserve the conversation for when the music has stopped?
• simply assume that your partner will understand you, OR focus on communicating very clearly?
• if you're in the male role, lead tentatively, OR express your clear intention each and every step of the way?
• if you're in the female role, try to predict what your partner will lead next, OR allow yourself to be relaxed, receptive and responsive?
• try to impress onlookers with tricky moves, OR dedicate yourself to dancing just for your partner?

There are no prizes for guessing the correct answers! In my opinion, dancing real tango requires focus and mindfulness.

And to close, here's a challenge from Ricardo Vidort, a late, great milonguero quoted in Tango and Chaos in BsAs:  When you dance tango, you must give everything. If you can't do that, don't dance.
PP

Lust in the milonga

In between the songs in a tanda, Pat’s partner said, ‘Your husband must need glasses, letting you go out dancing on your own’, which simply brought a bemused smile to Pat’s face.  Of course, it was simply a piropo, which women can expect to hear often from local men in the milongas of Buenos Aires.

But this isn’t the lust I’m talking about, nor the more pointed invitation for ‘un cafecito’ after the milonga, that foreign women may receive.  

I watch the women dance, and focus on one, as I notice her pivots, the contact her feet have with the floor, her embrace, the way she responds with elegance to her partner’s leads, the occasional under-stated decorations that enhance rather than interfere with the connection, the one-ness she creates with her partner.  My desire kicks in: “I must dance with her!”  So begins the chase.  If she has seen me dance, then hopefully I’ve measured up.  But now, the cabeceo is all I have left to convince her to take a chance.

Then there’s the lust that hits immediately, when the tanda begins with Fumando espero (Di Sarli/Pomar), La abandone y no sabia (Tanturi/Campus), or Lo pasao paso (Di Sarli/Rufino), and to these I feel that I must dance – they are tangazos!  Now there’s a desperate search to see whether one of my regular partners, who I know will dance this well, is available.  And again, I must put my trust in the cabeceo at a distance, hoping that she feels the same.

The tanda finishes, and the lust is sated.  I can return to my seat, and for a while, savour the 12 minutes that my partner and the music have given me.  The feelings of delight and satisfaction will last all night.
Bob

I like to watch ...

More often than not, I dance no more than 7 or 8 tandas in my 3 hours in milongas in Buenos Aires. I do that partly to conserve my energy for a) the music I really like, and b) the women I really want to dance with. Any single tanda is both physically and mentally taxing, so when I dance I want to put all the meat on the fire.

So how do I spend the rest of my time in the milonga apart from sipping on my mineral water? I listen to the music and I watch the dancers. Sitting at a table at the edge of the ronda, I feel part of the milonga, even when not dancing. But as I watch, I also learn. Of course, I watch the ladies’ pivots, their embraces, their responses to their partners, in order to guide my ‘cabeceo’ in future tandas. But there is more.

I watch the men – their rhythms, changing dynamics, playfulness, intensity; how they protect their partners, how they move their bodies with their partners; and I note small variations in movements that I regularly employ. I notice how their dancing changes with different orchestras, with the emotion of the singers, with the ‘light and shade’ in a piece of music. Not all men dance this way, but those that do are worth my intense scrutiny.

I often wonder about men, and women, who dance every tanda. Might they be missing an opportunity to observe and learn from others?  My advice: STOP. LISTEN. LOOK. LEARN.
Bob

Budding tango relationships

No, I’m not referring to those fleeting relationships typified by an invitation to have a ‘cafecito’ after the milonga. For those unfamiliar with this euphemism, the expectation is to share more than a cup of coffee! 

She has observed & approved of his dancing and his conduct in the milonga.  He, too, has noticed her elegance and entrega. So begins the game of visually seeking out the other for the first time.

Still metres from her table, he approaches, maintaining eye contact, thus confirming their agreement to dance.  Only then does she rise from her seat, in a heightened state of anticipation, wondering whether her observations will be confirmed when she accepts his embrace.

As she places her upper body against his, his embrace encloses her into a respectful cocoon of safety and comfort. She relaxes and they begin to move together to the music.  

He suggests simple movements, intuitively assessing her responses. She feels his responses to her. They gradually become familiar with each other’s idiosyncrasies, nuances, musical sensitivities and imperfections. During the 12 minutes of the tanda, they begin a non-verbal conversation which slowly gains more depth - the start of a journey of mutual discovery to be continued at a future milonga when their paths cross again.

PP 

The Uh-Oh Moment

I don’t mean the Occasional Uh-Oh! moment
… the one that we feel when dancing with a new partner, in particular – those times when communication fails a little, and an opportunity for improvisation presents itself.

I mean the Serious Uh-Oh!
… when you’ve watched the dancers at a milonga, assessed someone as a good choice, successfully cabeceoed, taken up the embrace, taken the first step, then suddenly thought, “Uh-Oh!” … or even “Oh-No!”  You realise that your partner has a poor embrace: too tight, too loose, or can’t walk well, doesn’t pivot, pulls you around, and you come to the conclusion that this will be a long 12 minutes. 

You’ve misjudged your selection, so now you have to deal with it.  As a man, you need to quickly assess what your partner can do, and do your best to make the dance a success – keep it simple, give her the time she needs, make adjustments so that ochos work, etc. As a woman, you can forget about surrendering to the music and your partner. This situation warrants self-preservation tactics, i.e. good technique to maintain your balance and a readiness to take evasive action, if required.

Then there’s the Ultimate Uh-Oh!
… when the behaviour of your partner suggests that the dance may need to be cut short.  For example, dangerous movements in the ronda:  frequent collisions due to inconsiderate navigation, high boleos or sweeps by the woman; inappropriate personal behaviour.   

In such cases, it’s reasonable to have a few tactful words with your partner at the end of a piece of music, and essentially put him/her on notice (remember, we’re talking about the Ultimate Uh-Oh!).  Should the behaviour continue unchanged, then it’s appropriate to end the dance at an opportune moment; regardless, the man should escort his partner back to her table.

Maybe we should, in fact, value the Occasional Uh-Oh! moments because they are the ones that define every unique tango conversation with our many partners.  They’re not ‘mistakes’, but rather opportunities to adapt our dance in a way that will enhance the experience with our partners.

We know you’ve had them, so how have you dealt with your Uh-Oh moments?

Bob.

How to choose a dance partner

Ever found yourself dancing with someone and regretting it?  Were you unsure of what went wrong?  Do you still have no idea of how to prevent a recurrence?

I'm a firm advocate of the cabeceo.  However, this elegant form of invitation won't help you choose a dance partner.  It's actually the last step of the process.

First of all, you have to hone your powers of discrimination.  Know what you want, and shop around!

Once, in a Buenos Aires milonga, a tango friend asked how I identified the men I wanted to dance with?  In other words, those men whose cabeceo I would return. What was it that I looked for? I hadn't analysed my criteria before, but it got me thinking.

When I arrive at a milonga, I sit and watch the dancers for a while.  I make sure I don't look like I want to dance, until I've identified some possibilities.

Some key considerations for choosing whose cabeceo I would accept:

• Does he dance to the music? Does his response to the music make sense to me?
• How is his embrace?  Does it look comfortable?
• Does he appear to dance for and with his partner?  (rather than trying to impress onlookers)
• How are his navigation skills?  Is he respectful of the other dancers? (rather than viewing the dance-floor as his exclusive playground)
• Has he made some effort to present himself appropriately for the occasion? Or does his dress and grooming suggest no respect for potential dance partners and the event?

Other factors may well come into play, but let's call these my minimum standards.

When dancing in a familiar milonga, filled with familiar faces, these strategies may be unnecessary -  I already have a good idea of potential dance partners.  However, if you have regretted your choices in the past, you may find my tips handy.

I would be very interested to hear how other ladies identify potential dance partners.

Gentlemen!  What about you?  How do you choose?

PP