The milonga jungle

 It's quiz time, folks!

Let's face it.  The tango world is full of characters: amusing, a few annoying and some delightful.  Sounds like life, right?

I know it may be painful, but just try thinking about those milonga situations that you would rather forget, with characters who have left you a little powerless or speechless at times.  Remember: Being forewarned is being forearmed.  You can even practise your response.  You CAN take control!

Here are a few real-life scenarios.  What would you do? (More than one response is possible)

1. The Space Invader
   Two people are deep in conversation.  Their body-language shows that they are focussing on each other.  Someone approaches clearly indicating he/she wants to dance with one of them.
   a.  Ignore the person until he/she goes away
   b.  Acknowledge the person, and continue the conversation
   c.  Interrupt the conversation immediately and get up to dance
   d.  Acknowledge the person, point out that you are involved in a conversation and decline the invitation
   
   
2. The Know-all
   While dancing, once dancer persists in telling his/her partner what they are doing wrong and correcting them.
   a.  Ignore him/her and continue dancing
   b.  Say that you can't dance and talk at the same time
   c.  Say "Thank you" and go right back to your seat making a mental note never to dance with that person again
   d.  Do your best to follow the generous advice
   
   
3. The Human Shield
   After a tanda, rather that clearing the dance-floordurin ghte cortina, some people stand around on the floor chatting.  They are blocking the line of sight of seated dancers who will want to look for a new partner for the next tanda.
   a.  You feel frustrated that you can't see the person you'd like to dance with
   b.  If the "Human Shields" are close to you, ask them to move away or sit down
   c.  The DJ should extend the length of the cortina until they get the message and clear the floor
   
   How would you respond to these milonga characters?
   Can you think of others?
   PP
   
   Thanks to Kris Tengo Teng for the image  https://www.facebook.com/groups/147208172635874/user/405922/

Mirada? Cabeceo? What’s the difference?

In essence they are two very simple signals in the milonga:

MIRADA (the look) = showing interest to dance

CABECEO (the nod) = indicating acceptance

Yet even experienced tango dancers may find this respectful form of invitation challenging.  

For example, I’ve often heard:
“I was nodding at you, so why didn’t you dance with me?”

“He/She stares at me continuously even though I show no interest.”

“He/She is always in deep conversation with friends.  Later he/she complains that we didn’t dance.”

Well, let’s take a look at the basics:

MIRADA
Having selected a person you would like to dance with, you indicate your interest by looking at their eyes.  The look usually needs to be sustained for a few seconds - no more, so they understand that you would be interested in dancing with them.  A glance is not usually enough.  But it’s not a long stare either.

(If they’re not interested at the time, they won’t hold your gaze.  And nobody else will know!)

CABECEO

If the person does hold your gaze, they may accept by nodding their head, or by smiling, or by making some other positive gesture. You can then show your agreement with a similar gesture.  While maintaining eye-contact, the man makes his way to the woman’s table, who remains seated until he arrives in front of her (thus avoiding misunderstandings in a busy milonga).  He then leads her on to the dance floor - yes, he goes first.

Yes, it’s that simple! 
If you’re interested you need to show it through your body language. 
And you need to accept that everyone has a right to choose. In other words, the acceptance must be mutual, otherwise it’s not consent.

Of course, there are lots of finer points. To give yourself the best chance of success, I recommend taking a good look at Tango Mentor’s excellent article.
https://tangomentor.com/cabeceo-beginners-guide/

Why do we say YES when we mean NO?

Have you been in the situation where you were invited to dance, but for some reason, preferred not to accept that invitation?  Even if this never happens to you, you may still want to keep reading.

Some dancers have described to me situations where they would’ve liked to refuse (or postpone) the invitation, but feared hurting the person’s feelings.  Some have confided feeling pressured to dance, but were unsure how to respond.  Some experienced dancers (often popular male dancers outnumbered by ladies) may be frequently approached directly for a dance - particularly in milongas where the cabeceo is not the norm.  Some of these people have said to me that they feel obliged to spread themselves around throughout the milonga.  Community-spirit is to be applauded - up to a point.  

It almost goes without saying that there are many reasons for not wanting to dance at times.  You may be involved in a conversation; may be feeling too hot after an energetic tanda; the music isn’t to your taste; you don’t feel comfortable with the inviter; just feel like listening to the music and watching the dancers; you had already arranged to dance with someone else; etc, etc.

Of course, “Yes” is always an option, but it may come at a price.  Are you finding yourself denied a chance to dance with many of the partners that you prefer?  When you dance, are you able to give your partner your all for that tanda, or are you just going through the motions?  Are you mostly satisfying the needs and desires of others, while ignoring your own?

Indeed, saying “No” carries the risk of offending the other person.  Perhaps you fear that the risk is just too great. So rather than working out a way of being true to yourself, you may take the path of least resistance and always say “Yes”.

What are some alternatives?  Apart, from a blunt “No”? 
Unfortunately, not everyone in your tango community uses the more subtle cabeceo.  And you don’t want to develop a reputation as unfriendly.

Have you tried …

-  engaging the person in a conversation, rather than getting up to dance?  It shows them that you’re still interested in them as a person.  If they don’t wish to chat, they can move on.
-  indicating non-verbally “maybe later” with a smile?
-  briefly mentioning the reason for not wanting to dance now, perhaps adding that you’ll look across at them later?

Maybe you have other successful strategies which you’d like to share.

On the other hand, if the person won’t accept your response, then you always have the blunt option of “No, thanks”!  After all, if someone asks a question, they cannot assume that the answer will always be the one they want to hear.  Why should the milonga be any different to other aspects of life?  

Tangomentor’s discussion makes further interesting reading on this subject

Turning down an invitation may appear difficult at first.  But when you’ve tried it once or twice, I’m sure you’d get the hang of it.  Better still, adopting the mirada + cabeceo in your community would render this problem redundant!
PP

Every little bit counts

After more than a week of dancing in traditional Buenos Aires milongas, I’m reminded of some of the social niceties which contribute to a harmonious dance floor as well as an enjoyable individual experience.  (Not a word about cabeceo here.  That topic has already had plenty of coverage.)

Each and every dancer makes a positive contribution to the milonga by:

* taking care of personal hygiene beforehand & avoiding strong scents

* changing into dance shoes in the bathrooms or away from the dance floor 

* when not dancing, ensuring that they aren’t blocking others’ line of sight. If standing to catch someone’s eye, then stand behind the tables

* entering the dance floor with care, with the man seeking and getting the nod of approval from the oncoming leader, and then entering before his partner, to protect her. Start to dance immediately, thus avoiding holdups 

* not eating/chewing while dancing

* chatting only in between songs on the dance floor. Need more time? Then sit down to have a conversation. Chatting while dancing spoils the tanda for dancers around you

* dancing small, keeping feet on the floor, especially in a busy milonga 

* dancing in the ronda, in your lane - neither tailgating nor holding up couples behind you 

* avoiding contact with other couples. Any collisions, even minor, warrant an apology or at least an acknowledgement 

* escorting ladies back to their table

* clearing the floor efficiently during the cortina.

I love how these small things - put together - add up to something greater than their sum.  Congratulations to dancers at La Milonguita in Adelaide who do this so well!

Pat

Codes and cabeceo

Interested in some of the finer points of  of the milonga codes and cabeceo?  Unsure how they might be of benefit?

Popular Argentine dancer and teacher, Oscar Casas, speaks of his experiences in this short interview:

Musical chairs in the milonga

Are you a milonga gypsy?  Or do you like to return to your own chair after dancing? 

So, what's the fuss about seating at milongas?

Consider this real-life scenario (only names have been changed):

Joanne and Phil normally arrive at milongas fairly early.  Among other things, they like to take their pick of seats before the milonga gets busy.

After a hectic week, they headed out to relax at a local milonga.  Having paid the entrada and found a nice spot to sit, Harry slung his coat over his chair with his phone safely tucked in the coat pocket out of harm's way.

Many people arrived, and as the milonga became busier, each new arrival tried to work out where there was a free place to sit.  To avoid any unpleasantness, before sitting down most new arrivals politely tried to confirm with those sitting at a table, whether a place was available.  Sometimes they would get it wrong, and the recent arrival would have to gather up their belongings and find another spot.  At times, this was accompanied by some awkwardness.

Meanwhile, Joanne and Phil had been enjoying the milonga.  Returning to his chair after a tanda, Phil found someone else sitting there, engrossed in an animated conversation.  Having nowhere else to sit, and being far too polite to say anything, Phil waited patiently.  Then he realised that the 'visitor' was not only sitting on his freshly dry-cleaned coat, but probably also on his phone!  Still he said nothing!!  Instead he continued to wait ... somewhat anxiously.  (Politeness can be taken a touch too far.)

Fortunately, the phone was undamaged, and Phil was able eventually to reclaim his seat.  No harm done.  

But, could you imagine some better alternatives to this scenario?  Allow me to suggest a few improvements:

Organisers provide sufficient seating for everyone
This ensures that each person has somewhere for their jacket, drink, mints, fan, etc.

Organisers keep an eye on seating
They make the effort to indicate comfortable options for each person when they arrive, rather than leaving dancers to their own devices after taking their money.  This also prevents congestion in any one area, thereby reducing obstructions on the dance-floor.

Dancers return to their seat at the end of tandas
If you have been 'visiting' another table for a chat, you return to your seat (or go elsewhere, such as the bar) at the end of the tanda.  This ensures that the 'owner' of that spot has somewhere to sit when they have finished dancing. 
Returning to your seat also facilitates the cabeceo, because potential dance partners will know where to look for you.  In fact, sitting down during the cortina helps everyone in the milonga.  If people are standing and chatting on the dance-floor in between tandas, your line of sight may be blocked.  With everyone seated, you can easily look at potential partners, if you wish to dance the coming tanda.

PP

Just a friendly word of advice

At a practica (or even at a milonga, heaven forbid), has a dance partner given you advice about how to improve your tango?  Perhaps it was a suggestion about your embrace, your balance, your movements, etc.  Did the advice make sense to you?  Were you successful in putting the advice into practice?  If so, did you feel that it resulted in an improvement?

Most of us do want to improve.  And, I think I would be correct in saying that most of us would love dancers in our tango community to continue to improve, so we can enjoy more of those treasured tango moments.  For that reason, we might from time to time, be tempted to provide unsolicited advice when something isn't quite working while dancing.  But quite apart from the inappropriateness of 'teaching' in a milonga where we should dance as equals, will this advice actually be helpful to our partner?

Do we have sufficient expertise to analyse and advise on movement?  Do we have expertise in the opposite role?  Are we certain that we are not responsible, at least in part, for the 'problem'?  In a practica or in class, wouldn't it instead be more helpful to provide feedback to our partner about what we are feeling, experiment together, then if advice is needed, ask an expert?

Take a look at Why most advice you get about your dancing is wrong, by Veronica Toumanova.

PP

Spot the beginner

A: "There she is. She's a beginner - she needs some advice. I'll give her the benefit of my expertise. After all, she'll feel grateful that someone with my experience is getting her up to dance."
(Why do some people feel the need to do this??)

B: "I was pushed and pulled all over the place. He was showing off, trying to get me to do his tricks. I had no idea what he wanted me to do, and I was made to feel like an idiot with everyone watching. He was in my ear all the time, telling me what to do - I couldn't focus on the music. Then, he used the breaks in the tanda to demonstrate figures to me. I'm new to tango and simply didn't know how to deal with the situation. I love the music, the dance, the connection, but after that, I just felt like going home."

Of course, there's an equivalent scenario with the roles reversed.

The fundamental element missing above is RESPECT. A good tango dancer (not necessarily one with lots of years of experience) will respect his/her partner - won't give unsolicited advice in the milonga, and will dance in a manner that is appropriate to the partner's current ability. The good dancer will, in fact, be able to enhance his/her partner's dancing as the tanda progresses. Yes, we may want to give our partner the benefit of our expertise, but that can be achieved through HOW we dance with them.

A good male dancer, for example, will start the tanda with a new partner by walking with sensitivity to the music - monitoring his partner's responses and accommodating, in order to instil confidence. Then maybe some small backward ochos, taking time to ensure that she completes her pivot before the next step, and being very explicit with the leads. The focus is on his partner, ensuring that she is comfortable and that the communication is working. Above all, a good dancer will respond to the music so she FEELS it through his body and his movements. During the tanda he'll check that she's feeling OK. You may ask: What about him? Well, this tanda is all about HER, as he does his best to convince her that tango is a dance of love - in many aspects.

So, how could a beginner deal with the humiliating treatment described earlier? She doesn't want to be labelled a snob by turning men away, thereby possibly reducing the chances of men inviting her to dance. On the other hand, she doesn't want to feel like someone's plaything.

Think of it this way: when it comes to unwelcome behaviours, tango is no different to other social situations. If she doesn't like what's happening to her, she doesn't have to put up with it. She could say something like:

• "I'm sorry, but I don't feel comfortable with this right now. I'd rather sit down."
• "I'm really not able to talk and dance at the same time."
• "Thanks, but I need to sit down."

And in future, it's best to avoid the situation by actively using the cabeceo, and avoiding the gaze of certain people. It also pays to be armed with a response for unwelcome direct approaches - commonly used on beginners. If you'd rather not dance with someone, try something simple like: "Thanks, but not right now."

BTW. What do I mean by a 'good tango dancer'?
Someone who respects his/her partner and strives to make the tanda a positive experience; understands and practises the codes of the milonga; feels, connects with, and expresses the music in his/her dancing, and has the skills to execute tango movements which are appropriate in the social, sometimes crowded, context.

So, in the opening scenario, could you spot the real beginner?

Bob

Things my mother taught me

When guests come to your home for the first time, you show them in, you introduce them to other people who are present. You help them to feel at ease.

So, in your experience, do milonga organisers make you feel welcome and show you where there are free seats?  Or are you expected to fend for yourself after paying your entry fee? As a newcomer, are you introduced to a few dancers, to help ease you into the local scene?

When going out, I was expected to make an effort with my attire and grooming.  It showed respect and appreciation to my hosts and fellow guests.

Isn't it lovely when men and women at the milonga have donned some nice clothes for the event, which also helps them leave their day-to-day lives at home, at least for a little while.

When wanting to engage in conversation with someone, I learned to read the other person's body language first, to see whether they might be interested in talking with me.

It's wonderful to see more and more people in milongas confidently using the cabeceo, the "Are you interested in dancing with me?" non-verbal form of invitation.

My mother also taught me to say "No", when I felt uncomfortable.

So, I don't understand why otherwise assertive women put up with some dance partners' behaviour. Are they afraid of hurting his feelings? What about their own feelings and self-respect?

If we bump into someone while walking down the footpath, we automatically apologise, and pay more attention as we walk on.

How many times have you been bumped or kicked while dancing at a milonga, with no acknowledgement from the perpetrator, let alone an apology? Nowadays this is infrequent in Adelaide, but it does shock me when it happens.


Should the milonga be any different to other social situations, when it comes to common courtesy? I think not.  Yet, why do some people forget what their mother taught them, when they go to a milonga?

Maybe it's a question of maturing and feeling comfortable in one's tango skin, and realising that  tango is not about executing steps. It's about relating to others.

PP

Milonga Q and A

Last week we conducted a brief Q and A.  We asked dancers in our group about their concerns in the milonga. Had they experienced behaviours which they didn't like, but didn't know how to respond to? From a tentative beginning emerged quite a number of issues, many to do with plain good manners!

We thought it might be useful to share the concerns and some suggested responses:

Surrounding couples are doing big movements, which are either disturbing your dancing or posing a danger. (Assuming that the norm of the milonga is small movements)

1. At a break in the music, the man could take his partner to a safer part of the ronda. 
2. Where the movements are dangerous to others, ask the milonga organiser to deal with it.
3. The man can navigate to reduce the space the offending couple has, so that they have to dance more conservatively in a smaller space – but the man will always always protect his partner in doing so.

Your partner (male or female) uses an uncomfortable embrace
e.g. too intimate (e.g. man putting your right hand to his chest); stressful (pushing your right/left hand out or up too far;  man pushing & pulling as a means of leading); physically uncomfortable (gripping you too tightly; man ‘paddling’ your back as he leads).

1. You can move your hand to the position that you prefer; if your partner complains, mention that the other position is uncomfortable; if he/she ignores that, tell him/her that you’ll need to sit down if he/she doesn’t do as you’ve asked. 
2. If the embrace is too tight, wriggle out of it until you have the room you need.

Your partner is talking, singing, whistling, making noises that you don’t like

1. “I can’t dance and listen at the same time”.  
2. “I’m finding your talking/singing/noises distracting” (but not the case when a milonguera sings the words in your ear in BsAs, gentlemen!)

The music starts – couples continue to talk in the ronda

1. Dance within your own space until the ronda starts moving ahead 
2. If the couple ahead of you continues to talk at length, pass them on the man's left & rejoin the ronda in front.

You experience collisions, with no acknowledgement or apology

It’s good manners for the man to acknowledge a collision with a wave or nod.  In the case of a significant collision, approach the offended couple at the end of the track to apologise.

At the start of a tanda you are sitting and having a conversation

1. If you’re planning to continue the conversation and not dance, then keep your focus on the person you’re talking to.  But, if you want to dance, chat and scan at the same time. 
2. If someone approaches you and interrupts your conversation, simply say, “No thank you, I’m chatting at the moment” or “Maybe later”

Poor lighting makes the cabeceo difficult
 
Men may need to move around the room so that the eye contact becomes more visible, but not too close to your intended partner.

Your partner (both men and women) keeps telling you what they want you to do

1. “I can’t dance and listen at the same time”.  (man or woman) 
2. “You lead it and I’ll follow”. (woman) 
3. “Let your body do the talking”. (woman) 
4. “My focus is on the music and leading with my body, not on figures” (man)

Man persists with a figure without leading it effectively. You don’t understand what he wants
 
Ladies, you could use your body language (e.g. puzzled expression, shrug of shoulders) to show you don’t understand what the man is leading. If he persists, and you feel uncomfortable, tell him. If he ignores that, tell him that you don't feel comfortable and you’ll need to sit down.

Ladies may fear that they won't get dances if they refuse poor dancers

Is a bad dance really better than no dance?
Your dancing may be judged by potential partners before they look in your direction; dancing poorly with a bad dancer may give them an impression of you as a dancer that you don’t desire.

Ladies tending to be too nice …  not knowing how to refuse an invitation from someone they simply don’t want to dance with

Certainly, it’s helpful for experienced women to dance with beginner men.

1. However, this doesn’t help poor ‘experienced’ dancers if they continue to believe that they can get dances without making the effort to improve. 
2. Accept with the proviso that “from now on, it’s with the eyes only!” This can be done in a light-hearted, yet assertive manner. 
3. When it’s very clear that dancing with a particular man would be a disaster: “No thank you, I’m afraid our dance styles are incompatible”

Note: Effective use of the cabeceo is a way of avoiding some of these problems altogether.