Why do we say YES when we mean NO?

Have you been in the situation where you were invited to dance, but for some reason, preferred not to accept that invitation?  Even if this never happens to you, you may still want to keep reading.

Some dancers have described to me situations where they would’ve liked to refuse (or postpone) the invitation, but feared hurting the person’s feelings.  Some have confided feeling pressured to dance, but were unsure how to respond.  Some experienced dancers (often popular male dancers outnumbered by ladies) may be frequently approached directly for a dance - particularly in milongas where the cabeceo is not the norm.  Some of these people have said to me that they feel obliged to spread themselves around throughout the milonga.  Community-spirit is to be applauded - up to a point.  

It almost goes without saying that there are many reasons for not wanting to dance at times.  You may be involved in a conversation; may be feeling too hot after an energetic tanda; the music isn’t to your taste; you don’t feel comfortable with the inviter; just feel like listening to the music and watching the dancers; you had already arranged to dance with someone else; etc, etc.

Of course, “Yes” is always an option, but it may come at a price.  Are you finding yourself denied a chance to dance with many of the partners that you prefer?  When you dance, are you able to give your partner your all for that tanda, or are you just going through the motions?  Are you mostly satisfying the needs and desires of others, while ignoring your own?

Indeed, saying “No” carries the risk of offending the other person.  Perhaps you fear that the risk is just too great. So rather than working out a way of being true to yourself, you may take the path of least resistance and always say “Yes”.

What are some alternatives?  Apart, from a blunt “No”? 
Unfortunately, not everyone in your tango community uses the more subtle cabeceo.  And you don’t want to develop a reputation as unfriendly.

Have you tried …

-  engaging the person in a conversation, rather than getting up to dance?  It shows them that you’re still interested in them as a person.  If they don’t wish to chat, they can move on.
-  indicating non-verbally “maybe later” with a smile?
-  briefly mentioning the reason for not wanting to dance now, perhaps adding that you’ll look across at them later?

Maybe you have other successful strategies which you’d like to share.

On the other hand, if the person won’t accept your response, then you always have the blunt option of “No, thanks”!  After all, if someone asks a question, they cannot assume that the answer will always be the one they want to hear.  Why should the milonga be any different to other aspects of life?  

Tangomentor’s discussion makes further interesting reading on this subject

Turning down an invitation may appear difficult at first.  But when you’ve tried it once or twice, I’m sure you’d get the hang of it.  Better still, adopting the mirada + cabeceo in your community would render this problem redundant!
PP