Why do we say YES when we mean NO?

Have you been in the situation where you were invited to dance, but for some reason, preferred not to accept that invitation?  Even if this never happens to you, you may still want to keep reading.

Some dancers have described to me situations where they would’ve liked to refuse (or postpone) the invitation, but feared hurting the person’s feelings.  Some have confided feeling pressured to dance, but were unsure how to respond.  Some experienced dancers (often popular male dancers outnumbered by ladies) may be frequently approached directly for a dance - particularly in milongas where the cabeceo is not the norm.  Some of these people have said to me that they feel obliged to spread themselves around throughout the milonga.  Community-spirit is to be applauded - up to a point.  

It almost goes without saying that there are many reasons for not wanting to dance at times.  You may be involved in a conversation; may be feeling too hot after an energetic tanda; the music isn’t to your taste; you don’t feel comfortable with the inviter; just feel like listening to the music and watching the dancers; you had already arranged to dance with someone else; etc, etc.

Of course, “Yes” is always an option, but it may come at a price.  Are you finding yourself denied a chance to dance with many of the partners that you prefer?  When you dance, are you able to give your partner your all for that tanda, or are you just going through the motions?  Are you mostly satisfying the needs and desires of others, while ignoring your own?

Indeed, saying “No” carries the risk of offending the other person.  Perhaps you fear that the risk is just too great. So rather than working out a way of being true to yourself, you may take the path of least resistance and always say “Yes”.

What are some alternatives?  Apart, from a blunt “No”? 
Unfortunately, not everyone in your tango community uses the more subtle cabeceo.  And you don’t want to develop a reputation as unfriendly.

Have you tried …

-  engaging the person in a conversation, rather than getting up to dance?  It shows them that you’re still interested in them as a person.  If they don’t wish to chat, they can move on.
-  indicating non-verbally “maybe later” with a smile?
-  briefly mentioning the reason for not wanting to dance now, perhaps adding that you’ll look across at them later?

Maybe you have other successful strategies which you’d like to share.

On the other hand, if the person won’t accept your response, then you always have the blunt option of “No, thanks”!  After all, if someone asks a question, they cannot assume that the answer will always be the one they want to hear.  Why should the milonga be any different to other aspects of life?  

Tangomentor’s discussion makes further interesting reading on this subject

Turning down an invitation may appear difficult at first.  But when you’ve tried it once or twice, I’m sure you’d get the hang of it.  Better still, adopting the mirada + cabeceo in your community would render this problem redundant!
PP

Milonga Solidaria 2025

A massive "THANK YOU" to all the dancers attending the Milonga Solidaria at the Austrian Club on Friday night.

It was a lovely milonga, with beautiful music, elegant dancing, a great vibe - as well as a successful fund-raiser.  There were many personal donations, including from a number of dancers unable to attend.  At the moment, the sum stands at $2,040!  But we're hoping that other dancers in the Adelaide tango community will offer to make a cash donation or EFT in coming weeks.

The money will be converted to US$, then delivered to Presente Escuelas Rurales organiser Lorena Gomez in Buenos Aires in late April.  This will support the volunteer medical trip to the remote Monte Santiagueno (Santiago del Estero province).

Firstly, thank you to all who attended and paid the $15 entrada - ALL of which will be donated.

Thank you to Vicki, Dee, Steve, Glynn, Robyn & Ray, Sheila, Monica, Joan, Christina W, Larry, David B, Frank & Lucy, Tricia M, Sonia, Su, Lidia, Rushdy, David N, Jarred, Liz R, Cris D, Bruno, Shaddie, Trish N, Lorraine, Liz J, Paul M, Mariangela, Daniel, Mike B, James, Paul C, Carl, Anne R for your personal donations.

Sincere thanks also to Southern Cross Tango and Studio Tango for promoting the event.

Still want to make a contribution?  It's not too late. Contact us for the EFT details.

* More photos

Welcome to our new milonga venue!

The doors had just opened for our first milonga at the beautiful Torrens Rowing Club last month. 
See you again at Comme il faut on the 15 September (3rd Sunday of the month).

Different partners, different journeys

Ladies, we may sometimes lament the gender imbalance at milongas.  Perhaps we dance less than we’d like.  But have you considered some of the advantages of our role in tango? 

After Marta’s milonga Wednesday night (El Rodríguez), I was reminded how lucky we can be … if we are patient.  During that milonga I experienced three truly memorable tandas with men I had never previously danced with.  And each one was so very different!

D took me on a whirling flight through energetic D’Arienzo valses.   His strong dissociation and control meant our turns were so tight, we were like the vortex of a tornado.  Yet our movement was contained and couples around us remained undisturbed.

I caught the eye of S when I heard the introduction of a romantic Di Sarli tango.  His response to the music felt like waves in the ocean.  Carrying us gently, suspending at the crest of the wave and then accelerating downwards. 

Troilo’s tangos get a lot of coverage here, I’m happy to say.  I noticed a man trying to invite me when a Troilo tanda started.  Not having seen him dance, I looked away.  Fortunately, two lovely local ladies at my table, quickly reassured me that I should definitely not pass up that offer.  C took me on a nuanced musical journey, taking time to savour moments in the music and attentively responding to my responses.

To be ready for such diverse, special experiences in the milonga, good technique/body control is needed, allowing me to respond to a variety of movement possibilities.  The woman’s role also requires her to simultaneously follow the music … as well as her partner’s interpretation of it.  She doesn’t “just follow the lead”.

Finally, mindset is critical.  If I had had a preconceived idea of the dance, eg. dancing certain figures; being determined to display decorations; etc., then I would have missed out on the magic.  Being flexible and open to my partner is pivotal.  That’s when it gets interesting.  As in life!

Pat

Every little bit counts

After more than a week of dancing in traditional Buenos Aires milongas, I’m reminded of some of the social niceties which contribute to a harmonious dance floor as well as an enjoyable individual experience.  (Not a word about cabeceo here.  That topic has already had plenty of coverage.)

Each and every dancer makes a positive contribution to the milonga by:

* taking care of personal hygiene beforehand & avoiding strong scents

* changing into dance shoes in the bathrooms or away from the dance floor 

* when not dancing, ensuring that they aren’t blocking others’ line of sight. If standing to catch someone’s eye, then stand behind the tables

* entering the dance floor with care, with the man seeking and getting the nod of approval from the oncoming leader, and then entering before his partner, to protect her. Start to dance immediately, thus avoiding holdups 

* not eating/chewing while dancing

* chatting only in between songs on the dance floor. Need more time? Then sit down to have a conversation. Chatting while dancing spoils the tanda for dancers around you

* dancing small, keeping feet on the floor, especially in a busy milonga 

* dancing in the ronda, in your lane - neither tailgating nor holding up couples behind you 

* avoiding contact with other couples. Any collisions, even minor, warrant an apology or at least an acknowledgement 

* escorting ladies back to their table

* clearing the floor efficiently during the cortina.

I love how these small things - put together - add up to something greater than their sum.  Congratulations to dancers at La Milonguita in Adelaide who do this so well!

Pat